I think I may be having a mid-life crisis. But, I think I may be too young for that..... at least I hope I live to be older than 58 (is 29 half of 58???). I have been very blessed in my life and since birth I have always lived in a nice home, with new clothes, good food and my own vehicle... ok, I haven't had my own vehicle since birth but you get the idea. I really have been blessed financially. Now I find myself coming into a time in my life where friends of mine are buying bigger houses, buying new cars, wearing brand name clothes, etc... I will be perfectly honest and admit that these are all things that I would like to have and there is nothing wrong with having them.... unless you are me. I could go back to work and Dean and I could quite comfortably afford a bigger house and some new things that we have wanted for a while. But, I have a funny feeling that once I had those things, I would be happy for a few years..... and then I would probably want a slightly bigger house.... a newer car.... some more clothes.... and I have a funny feeling that, even with a double income, we would find ourselves in the same financial spot we are in right now. Instead of striving for those things, I have decided to live in the blessings that God has given us. We are SO blessed to have enough money for food, clothing and shelter. I thank God every night (literally) that I don't have to worry about how I am going to feed my kids or keep them warm in the middle of winter.... not to mention that they are both healthy! I want my kids to appreciate how blessed they are.... yes, I realize that is easier said then done and I have no idea how I am going to do that.
The other day I was working out and Lillian asked me why. I told her that it was because I wanted to keep my body healthy. That was a good answer.... not entirely honest, but good. The real answer is because I have about 15lbs of "baby weight" still clinging to my entire body and I have have to buy an almost entirely new wardrobe because none of my pre-second-pregnancy clothes fit me anymore. If I were being totally honest, I would also have to add that I want to get rid of that weight because I want to look "good" as I walk through public places so that other people (mostly perfectly random strangers) can judge me based on my appearance and I want my appearance to say that I am thin and beautiful therefore I must be a good person. Is that honest enough? Not exactly the message I want to be giving my 2 year old daughter and certainly not the message I want to be giving to her when she is a teenager and physical appearance starts to matter to her. My goodness..... when did physically beauty become so warped? I want to go back to the days where being plump and pale was the trend. I would be a supermodel in that world!
Then, the other day, Lillian asked me when her birthday was. I told her that she had to wait until after summer time. Then she asked me if she could have a party with all her friends. Now that was a question I was not prepared to answer. If her reason for having a party was to celebrate with all her friends, then sure, she can have a party. If her reason is because she wants all the gifts, then I'm not so certain. Yes, I realize that I am being a bit of a hypocrite here because I vividly remember being very excited about what presents were going to show up at my birthday party. But where is the line when your kid is two? I don't have the answer to that question either.
Why does everything seem so complicated? It's exhausting trying to keep up with other people. Perhaps that is why God doesn't tell us to keep up with the head of the pack. Instead God tell us to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength". God doesn't care about how big my house is or how I have it decorated (and we all know how much I like decorating.... yep, the walls are freshly painted), nor does he care about what I am wearing. He does ask us to take care of our bodies but he doesn't ask me to look like the women in magazine adds. He doesn't care what vehicle I drive or what sunglasses I am wearing as I drive it. He has blessed many of us with material things but he asks us to not care about them. What he does care about about is what is going on in my heart. Do I love my neighbors more than I love myself? Am I more concerned about loving them then I am about comparing myself to them? Am I teaching my kids to care about people more than stuff? Am I leading them by example? (umm.....)
I'm ok if people think that I am being too extreme. I don't claim to be a saint in the midst of sinners. I spend most of my life doing the opposite of what I have just written about. All I know is that God has been nudging me. He has been nudging me to examine myself compared to his standards..... and his standards are high. I'm finding myself coming up short but perhaps that is why he has been leading me in this direction.
