L's Made-With-Love Christmas Present

A few months ago I came accross a webpage that had the idea to convert an old entertainment unit into a play kitchen for kids.  I loved the idea and I hadn't had a new project in a long time.  So, after looking on kijiji for a while I found this entertainment unit.

It was in super great shape so I didn't need to paint the entire unit.  My Dad helped me cut the door for the fridge and cut a piece to fill the whole in the back.  Then I painted all the doors with chalkboard paint, installed them and put on handles.  The fridge and cupboard open up sideways but the stove opens up and down just like a real stove.  Then we cut a hole for the sink (a $2 bowl from the dollarstore) and mounted the elements (another dollarstore find).  Then after a little paint and some curtain sewing it was complete.  I think it turned out really cute and I hope L has many years of fun playing with it.

Evidence of a Little Girl

If someone was given the task to come into our house and try to figure out who lived here I am pretty sure it would not take long for them to know, without a doubt, that a little girl lives here.  Let's check the evidence, shall we!

First, there is, at all times, either a princess dress, tiara or a play shoe laying around at all times.

The latest artwork on the fridge usually consists of at least one picture of a princess, flower or butterfly.

Our Christmas cookies are pink and purple instead of red and green.

The little people are lined up in a nice straight row ready to go to a "ball"

All our veggie tale movies feature Laura the Carrot.

The kids Bible is always open to the story of Queen Esther.

All the pink and purple crayons are used up.

The Christmas presents that are wrapped in pretty red Christmas wrapping paper have big purple bows on them.

There are dolls having "naps"in various places around the house.

The "doctor" is always a princess.

When acting out the Christmas story, Mary always has nice accessories.

If these clues are not enough to convince you that a little girl lives here, there is also a baby brother sitting in the middle of the room looking like this.....

My laugh for the day

I had a good laugh today and I thought I would share it with you all.  Today my sister called to ask if L wanted to be an angel in the Christmas play tomorrow morning at church.  I took the phone downstairs where L was playing and told her that Auntie wants to know if she wanted to be an angel in the kids play.  After thinking about it for a few seconds L replies, "No, I want to be a princess!" My sister and I started laughing and she told me to tell L that she gets to wear a halo.  I turned to L and said, "If you are an angel you get to wear a shiny halo, to which she responded, "No, I want to wear my tiara." I then explained that there are no princesses in the Christmas play.  L's response, "Then I don't want to be in it." Sheesh.  I guess she really was serious earlier this week when she told me she has "chosen" to be a princess when she grows up.

How Embarrassing!

Well, here's a new situation that I did not see coming.  Today I went to the mall with the kids to finish our Christmas shopping.  I went into a kitchen store to buy a gift for a gift exchange (the theme is kitchen gadgets).  As we were standing in line L asked me to pass me her Cheerios.  I gave them to her and she started laughing hysterically.  Then she said, very loudly, "Hey Mommy, pass me my pee!" It caught me very off guard and I was pretty embarrassed because the store was really busy and there were several people waiting behind me in line.  I leaned over and whispered in L's ear that we don't talk about pee outside of the bathroom.  I stood back up and gave an apologetic smile to all the people around me.  Then L started laughing again.  This time she loudly said, "Mommy, pass me my poop!" I immediately bent over and whispered in her ear that we do not talk about pee or poop outside of the bathroom.  I spoke quite sternly so I was pretty sure this little show was over.  Well, L started laughing even more hysterically and yelled, "Hey Mommy, pass me my FARTS!" This caught be so off guard that I actually let out a snicker that I really couldn't keep in.  Where does she get this stuff?  I got my giggle under control, leaned over and whispered some sort of speech about how potty talk is rude and not ok outside of the bathroom.  I quickly finished paying and got out of that store as quickly as possible.  How embarrassing!

Imagination

I am so in love with my little girl's imagination.  She is amazing.  I know that I am her mother and I may be a little biased ;)  L has had Little People sets for quite a while but only recently has she discovered how to really play with them.  I am pretty sure she figured it out from watching her 11 year old cousin demonstrate.  L will now play for hours (literally) with her Little People.  She drives them around in cars, sets them up at "school", takes them to the zoo, solves sharing problems amoungst them, and saves them from the giant monster (aka T) who tries to destroy their village.  It is amazing how she takes all that goes on in her life and all she has learned recently and transforms it into a wonderful story that goes on and on.  It's a great little window into what is happening in her little head.  She teaches her Little People to share, she introduces them to new Little People, and she takes them on adventures that replicate places we have been lately.  I could watch and listen to her all day long :)

One of the many locations where she loves to play.

L set up a nativity scene with her Little People wisemen and animals.  Dean was Joseph and her little brother was baby Jesus :)

 

Winter Sniffles

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything here.  That is clearly a reflection of our lives over the past month or so.  L is in preschool, T has become very mobile, I've taken up a few new things like being on L's preschool board, and my hubby is still working six days a week with one night a week being out of town.  Then we got some crazy illness in our house.  A few weeks ago I was getting the kids ready to get out the door for preschool.  It was a perfectly normal morning.  The last thing I did before running out the door was get L our of her pj's and into her clothes.  As soon as I took her shirt off I knew something was wrong.  There were little spots all over her entire upper body.  Then I saw her legs.  There were so many spots that they were all merging into one big swollen lump all over her legs.  I tried very hard not to react.  I simply told Lillian that we were just going to leave her pjs on for a little while longer.  I immediately got on the phone with Health Links.  After going through an endless list of symptoms the nurse finally concluded that it was probably just a rash linked to a cold virus and I should keep her away from people for three days or until the rash went away, whichever was longer.  Throughout the day I started to notice that L was getting sicker and sicker.  She started getting warm, her nose started running and then she took a three hour nap.  The nap was the real kicker since she hasn't napped for over a year now.  She was pretty calm about it all until she saw those spots.  Oh goodness.  When she saw them she would freak out.  I ended up putting a diaper on her because the spots freaked her out so much that she refused to take her pants off to go to the bathroom.  Poor little thing.  The good news is that by the next day she seemed almost back to normal and the spots were receding nicely.  By day three she was all better and her skin was all cleared up. 

That should have been the end of the story but then I got that cold virus.  I didn't get the rash with it but, let me tell you, that was the mother of all colds.  I am still trying to kick it two weeks later.  It's like it keeps starting all over again every five days or so.  And then, last week poor T got it too.  His came on super rapidly.  Dean was out of town for the night and T woke up with a fever, coughing and vomiting.  Every time he breathed in it sounded horrible!  The next day I took him to the doctor who agreed with me that this was a BAD cold.  She wanted to keep an eye on him for a chest infection.  By the next morning he seemed to be getting much better.  I thought everything was fine and then yesterday afternoon it came back again with a fever and cough.  And then today he seems almost back to his happy normal self.  Sheesh.  I'm looking on the bright side that at least this isn't happening over Christmas and I'm hoping that now we have built our immunity and we won't get sick for the rest of the winter.  Yes, I realise that that is kind of stupid, but I'm still rolling with it ;)

E is for Eating

I have to say that I love eating.  Perhaps I should clarify that by saying that I love eating yummy food.  I love trying new things and I love the comfort of old favourites.  One of my favourite things to do is go out to eat.  I don't care if it is a restaurant, a friends house or a baby shower.  If there is food, I will more than likely be there.  Perhaps I love going out so much because it means that I didn't have to cook the food.  I really do like working in my kitchen and creating tasty meals and yummy desserts but lately the hour before dinner has been mayhem.  T is beginning to climb on everything but he has no sense of balance so he is always tumbling over somewhere.  If he's not tumbling, then he is racing around the house unplugging lights and trying to find power bars.  Then there is L who always wants to help which is really sweet.  When I bake I love to include her but usually dinner is made in such a hurry that I don't have time to let her help.  I have discovered the wonderful world of pretend in the kitchen.  While I cook, I give L a frying pan or pot that I am not using and various kitchen utensils.  She then watches and copies me as I rush around making dinner.  I must admit that it warms my heart when I look over and see her mimicking my every move and beaming as if she is creating a prize winning dish at a five star restaurant.

So, back to the purpose of this post.  I am thankful for the food I have to eat, for the children and husband I get to feed everyday, for a full fridge, for yummy restaurants, for friends and family who are wonderful cooks, and for baby shower buffets ;)

D is for Dean

Ok, so I realize that it has been ages since my last post.  Life has been super busy around here these days with pre-school and swimming lessons starting for L, plus it was her 3rd birthday this month.  Plus, T is moving everywhere these days.  He no longer stays where you left him ;)

But, enough about that.  On to what I am thankful for today.  D is definately for Dean.  I don't know how to express how thankful I am for this man.  He is the most amazing father in the world.  I could not ask for any more help and support than he already freely gives.  He is wonderful and our kids adore him.

I have never met another person in my entire life who strives so hard to be better and better every day.  Dean is often too hard on himself but he really does try to always do the right thing and always be the best husband and father that he possibly can.  Our marriage is not always easy, in fact we have had some really rough spots, but I know without a doubt that Dean will always be here working at it alongside me.  He is the only man that I would ever want to go through life with and he is so much more than he thinks he is.  If there is one verse I would say describes Dean it would be,

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13:7&8

C is for Confessions

The other day I was listening to a song by one of my favorite artists and she asked the question, "What if we were real?"  I thought about that and I started thinking about the moments I've had in life where I've been "real".  I can't think of a single time I put myself out there and didn't get a response from someone who struggled with the same things I did.  I don't think we are really all that different when it comes down to it.  We all struggle in life and many of us struggle with similar problems.  You may wonder what this has to do with my thankfulness list.  Well, today I am going to be "real" with all of you and be thankful that someone out there no longer feels alone in the things they struggle with.  So, here it goes....

- I have a big mouth and I often say things that hurt people (most of the time it is unintentional)
- I yell at my toddler.  I try not to, but I sometimes get so flustered that I can't control my emotions.  The worst part is, sometimes I'm not even flustered at her.  She gets the overflow of things that are not her fault at all.
- I say that I am a Christian but when I really look at my everyday life, I'm not sure there is much evidence..
- There are some days when I just want to be completely and utterly selfish.... and there are some days that I am.
- My marriage gets pretty rocky sometimes.
- I am pretty obsessed with my physical appearance and it often dictates my mood.
- I wish we had more money.
- I want to be closer with people and have deeper relationships with friends but I don't want to bother people and I'm afraid that I may try to push people into friendships that they would rather not be in.
- More often than not, I feel like a terrible parent.
- I have no idea how to be a parent.  Some mornings I wake up and panic because I have no idea what I am doing.
- I often feel that people are constantly judging me and that I am failing miserably in most areas of my life.
- I am the baby in my family and I hate failing at anything because I feel like the only one in my family who does.

So, there you have it.  If you have ever felt any of those things, you are not alone.  If you struggle with other things that I haven't listed, I probably struggle with them too but was too embarrassed to list them.  The reality is that I am so completely and utterly human.  Everyday I wake up and hope and pray that I do things right.  But, as doom and gloom as this might sound, there are so many bright and wonderful moments in every single day.  Every morning my husband kisses me goodbye before he leaves for work.  My kids wake up and smile at me like I am their favorite person in the whole world.  The sun come in my living room window and fills my house with sunshine.  My kids hug and kiss me.  I talk to at least one good friend everyday.  I get to spend all day at home with my kids.  I wake up and don't have to worry about how to keep my kids safe, clothed, fed or sheltered.  My head hits the pillow every night with the knowledge that I am loved.

So, I am human.... but I think that's ok.

B is for Buddies

Today I am thankful for the wonderful little buddies that my kids have.  T doesn't know his little friends all that well yet but L loves all her friends.  She talks about them all day long, she draws pictures for them and she asks to call them to let them know when she poops in the potty.  I am so thankful for her wonderful friends and their families.  I am very blessed to have good friends who had kids around the same time as I did.  I know that her and T's little friends will be in their lives for a long time cause I sure want their mom's to be in mine.

A is for Albums

I have decided to count my blessings for the next 26 days.  Today I'm thankful for something starting with the letter A.  I am thankful for albums.  More specifically, picture albums.  There is nothing I like more than to sit down and look through our picture albums.  I like looking at pictures on the computer but there is something about holding them in your hand.  One of my favorite things to do is cuddle on the couch with Dean and look at pictures of all our memories together.  It usually ends in laughing about some old joke or some silly thing we used to do or wear.  I am thankful that we have all those pictures to look at and even more thankful for the memories that those pictures hold.  I'll finish off today by sharing some of those memories (more recent since I don't have older ones on our new computer yet).

L on her dedication day

L at four months

L at two years old

Two year pictures by Tammy Engel

Trip to Phoenix

Niagara Falls 2009

T is born!

T at five and a half months

Put Your Cell Phone Away!

I like technology. When Dean and I first got married I knew my way around a computer but all of a sudden I was being introduced to all kinds of technology.  Dean can be a bit of technology junky if he lets himself.  I never used to understand it but now that I have entered the world of Facebook, blogging, texting, iphones, etc... I'm not ashamed to admit that I really like it.

Now, having said that I must also say that there is a time and place for technology.  I hate when I'm having a conversation with someone and they keep saying "yep" or "ah hum" and they are staring at their phone texting while I'm speaking. I especially hate when I'm teaching and one of my students is texting underneath their desk.  It's like they think that by simply placing their cell phone under their desk they have put up a magical shield that now makes them invisible.  Even though these things bother me, the other day I just about grabbed a stranger's cell phone and threw it.  I was sitting at the Bombers game watching our team attempt to win their seventh game of the season while the two girls next to me had their cell phones out texting, not even bothering to watch the game.  Why did they even come to the game!?!?!  Oh, it made me upset.  Why can't people turn off their cell phones for just a few hours and pay attention to what is going on around them.  Now perhaps this is less about the cell phones and more about my intense need to see the Bombers win a Grey Cup, but none the less, why do people spend money on tickets only to sit and text?  I like texting my friends but they do not need to be able to communicate with me 24 hours a day.  And they certainly don't need to contact me while I am watching in suspense as my Bombers squeak out another win.  We need to be able to enjoy life and what is going on around us rather than having our noses pointed directly at our cell phones.

Stomach Flu Perspective

Well, I officially hate having the stomach flu.  The crazy thing is that while I was in the midst of it, I couldn't decide if I would rather have the stomach flu or be going through labor.  It was a bad flu.  But something interesting happened in the midst of this flu.  I somehow managed to gain some perspective.  Usually when I have the flu I cry the entire time.  Seriously, I do.  I hate throwing up.  But this time, as I had my head in my semi-clean toilet, I realized that it was nice be able to have somewhere to throw up into that I can flush and away it goes.  I also have a nice comfy bed that I can lay in between episodes.  I also have air conditioning so that I don't have to battle 37 degree weather while I'm sick.  I have clean water to sip and access to all the gingerale I could possibly need.  In addition to all of this, I have my mom nearby.  She came over first thing in the morning to watch my kids so that I could get well.  Yep, I am blessed.  Too bad it took a stomach flu to make me see that.

Cupcakes

My new obsession is cupcakes.  Making, decorating and eating them.  I need to find people to give them away to because I keep making them and we cannot keep eating them at our house otherwise we are all going to gain copious amounts of weight.  A week or so ago L and I went to the library and I got a bunch of cake decorating books.  One of them was a cupcake book and that lead to the obsession.  The cupcakes are just so yummy and they are so fun to decorate.  They are so fun in fact that I have decided to sign up for a cake decorating class in September.  Until I start attending that class my cupcakes are going to be pretty simple but here are a few samples.

I fed these to my family at a pool party.  They were yummy but REALLY sweet.

These are vanilla cupcakes with key lime frosting :)

These next ones were today's creation.  L helped me make and eat them :)

These are Orange cupcakes with orange buttercream frosting

This was my taste tester :)

 

My Media Rant

I feel the need to rant because I'm getting pretty angry.  What is up with televison these days?  Seriously.  I am so sick and tired of shows that start out pretty good but eventually become saturated with sex.  I understand that I might be old fashioned but I'm not going to appologize for that.  I am so increadably sick of the casual attitude toward sex that our society has adopted.  Everyone is so shocked by hight rates of teen pregnancy but yet our kids watch shows where sex is no big deal.  Everyone does it.  It won't affect you in the long run.  You're strange if you are still a virgin by the time you reach university.  BULL CRAP.  Why have we become so complacent that we just stand by while media keeps bombarding this stuff at us.  And, not only does it affect teens but it affects adults too.  It affects our marriages.  We are so shocked by the high rate of divorce (even amoung "christian" people) but yet we (and I totally include myself in this) watch TV and movies where sex and relationships have one sole purpose, to make us happy.  Umm, I may have only been married for seven years but I'm pretty sure no one has a marriage where they are happy all the time.  If we were to live out what hollywood tells us then we would have to ditch our spouse everytime things got tough...... oh wait.... the majority of society does that.

But wait, there is still more.  We let our teenage boys and we drag our husbands to movies where the women are scantily clad and making continuous sexual inuendoes and we wonder how so many boys and men struggle with pornography.  As women we don't think anything of it because, lets face it, we have those parts and they are no longer amusing.  But, God did design men to like those parts and the more they are flaunted on television, in movies, at the mall, in restarants, the more men are going to continue to struggle. 

Oh, and I have more ranting to do.  What is up the previews for 14A and R rated movies.  I don't want to see R rated movies and I certainly don't want my two year old to see them but as we watch "Till Debt Do Us Part" at 4:00 in the afternoon there are previews for them!!!!  I no longer watch live TV with my kids.  Not even kids channels like Nickelodeon because there are previews for movies that are frighening for my two year old and I can't take those images out of her head once they are there.  Even walking past the entrance to the movie theater at the mall has movie posters with scary images on them.  You might think that I am being overprotective but that's ok with me.  I will guard my little girl's heart as much as I can.  As she gets older and able to understand more, then I will explain more to her and help her navigate this crazy world.  I don't need media to do it for me, especially when I didn't ask for it.

I could go on and on but I won't.  I just want to put those thoughts out there.  If you think I'm being ridiculous then you are totally entitled to feel like that.  But if you've been thinking some of these things as well, then know that you are not alone. 

Potty Training

Lately I've been using the words "potty training" as curse words.  In the almost three years that I have been a parent this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever encountered.  How does one get a strong willed almost three year old human being to defecate in a toilet??  Seriously!  I've heard so many people say that once the child is ready it goes quickly.  I do agree with that (in theory) so I stopped stressing about it and waited until the day L woke up and said, "Mommy, I want to potty train today".  Whooooo hoooooo!  I was so excited.... until I realised that we were leaving for kids camp in five days.  But, I was not about to say no, especially because it was completely and totally her idea.  So, the underwear went on..... er, the pullups went on.  Yep, I was WAY to afraid to let her tromp around in underpants right from the get go.  After a few days she seemed to be getting the hang of it so I did bring out the underwear.  And then we left for a week at kids camp.  The nice thing about being out at camp was that when she had accidents they were usually outdoors which made for a very easy clean up.  The other good news was that she was with my sister most of the day since my sister was at camp to watch the toddlers.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha.  I spent the week giggling that my sister was dealing with most of the potty training drama.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  I`m still laughing a little.

By the time we got home from camp L was doing great.  I was convinced she was done.  I did a little happy dance.  And then, yesterday happened.  Early in the day L announced to me, ``Mommy, I peed on the floor!``  Not just any floor.  My shag carpet area rug.  When I asked her why she peed on the floor, the response was as follows: ``Because I didn`t feel like going to the potty``.   Grrrrrrrr.  As if that wasn`t frustrating enough, later that morning she announced to me that she pooped in her underwear.  Grrrrrrrr.  But wait, there is more.  As she was waiting for me to get the wipes, she peed on the floor.  Wait!  There is still more!  When I noticed the pee, she started laughing!  AAAAHHHHHHH!!!  I must say that I handled it better then I thought I would, although it was still not great.  In the end, my mom came and took L for a few hours in the afternoon so I could have a much needed break from the pee, poop, and (oh I forgot to mention this earlier) absurd toddler temper tantrums.

Today was a bit better, even though she peed on my mom`s outdoor furniture.  People keep saying that kids have setbacks right before they really conquer potty training.  I sure hope those people are right!

Offically a travelling family

Well, we did it.  We made the seven hour drive north to Dean's parent's cabin and....... it went great!  We woke up at 4:00AM and were on the road by 4:30AM.  T just drifted back to sleep once the car got rolling and he slept almost the entire way.  We woke up for about an hour during which we stopped for a quick 30 minute bottle and bathroom break.  The other 30 minutes he was awake he just chatted before drifting back off to sleep.  L on the other hand did not sleep.  At 4:30AM I buckled her into her carseat and she woke up and asked where we were going.  She never went back to sleep.  Not even for a nap.  It turned out that it wasn't a big deal because she played quietly in her carseat without whining or complaining the entire trip.  Once we arrived at the cabin she was so excited to be there that her fatigue didn't hit her until about 6:30PM when she fell asleep while Dean was taking her for a quad ride.  Yep, she fell sound asleep.  Poor Dean had quite a fright because at first he thought she had passed out because of exhausted poisoning or something ;)

I will be perfectly honest here.  I did not want to go up to the cabin for the weekend.  There were a few reasons.  One was the long drive.  Turned out that was no big deal (they were really good on the ride home too).  Second was that our little family had to share one bedroom.  I wasn't sure how the kids would sleep or how I would even get them to sleep in the same room.  Apparently they are deeper sleepers then I realized.  They were both so exhausted from all the fun and fresh air that they just crashed at bedtime and even slept pretty late into the morning.  Dean and I could go in and out of the room once they were asleep and not even bother them.  Third, I was worried about the mosquitoes and bugs.  Turned out that there were no mosquitoes at all and very few bugs.  In the evening when they did come out we all just sat in the screened in gazebo.  The fourth reason I did not want to go was that I was afraid that everyone would take off doing fun things and I would be stuck in the cabin with the baby.  Well, because there were no bugs, T could easily be outside with us when he was awake.  The most amazing thing was that T slept constantly while we were there.  I felt like I barely saw him.  And, the monitor reached all the way to the water (the cabin lot is really long with the cabin at the top of the hill and the water at the bottom).

I guess the moral of this post is that all the things I worried about (extensively) turned out to be no big deal at all.  My need to be in control does get in the way a lot and I am SO happy that I finally made the decision to throw it out the window and go do something that my logic told me wouldn't work.  It did work and it turned out to be one of the best (if not the best) weekends of our summer.  L LOVED the cabin and all the fun things to do there.  Plus, she got to spend an entire weekend with her cousin (Dean's brother and his family also came) that she doesn't get to see that much.  Lillian adores her cousin.  Dean and I had a great time with his parents and brother and sister-in-law.  In a nut shell, it was a great family weekend for everyone.  Next time you are tempted to not do something because it's out of your comfort zone, do it.  Sure, it could be a disaster, but it could turn out as great as this past weekend did :)

Feeling Healthy

Ok, so I'll admit it, as the years have gone by I may have begun to let myself go.  I love food, and I'm too busy to exercise.  A few weeks ago I went on a walk with my kids and I could not believe how exhausted I was. I try very hard not to conform to what media tells me is "beautiful".  I will never look like the models in magazines and as I am OK with that.  I don't feel the need to look a certain way but I do have a need to feel a certain way.  Healthy.  A few months after T was born I realized that I did not feel healthy.  So, a few weeks ago I decided to take action.  I've heard a few people talk about Jillian Michaels and how great she is so I decided to give her a try.  So, I went onto Amazon and ordered three (yes, three) of her videos.  It said that they would arrive in about 8-10 days. I figured that meant that I had 8-10 days to vegg and eat until I had to get serious about being healthy.  Then, only three days later a packaged arrived!  This was the first time I was ever upset about something arriving too early.  Stupid UPS!  I should have left the package closed for a few more days because once I started those videos I truly realized how out of shape I really was.  I started by using one video that is only 25 minutes long.  I ordered it because I figured that I didn't have any more time than that to actually work out (turns out I was right).  How much pain could you possibly be in after 25 minutes?  Let me answer that question for you....... a lot!  I didn't think I would be able to walk the next day.  I'm super embarrassed admitting that but I am proud to say that I got up and did the video again the next day.  I have been doing it everyday, except Sundays, for two weeks and I have to say that, in addition to no longer being in pain, I do feel much healthier.  And, I've lost three pounds.  I'm still a long way from my pre-pregnancy weight but I feel good.  I have more energy, I'm sleeping better, and the best part...... I can eat that yummy bowl of ice cream without any guilt.  Hmmm...... I don't think that's exactly what Jillian had in mind when she made those videos ;)

Could I be a country girl?

I grew up just outside the city limits on a lovely acreage.  I spent my entire childhood, teenage, and some young adult years there.  I even got married on that acreage.  I loved living outside of the city.  I loved how quiet it was.  I loved how private it was.  I loved that the only sound you could hear in summer time was the wind brushing through the leaves on the trees.  Then, when I got married, I moved into the city.  At first I hated it.  We had a VERY small lot in an older neighborhood where the houses were tall and close together.  I felt like someone was always watching me.  We were on a fire route and a bus route.  We had nosy neighbours and we had loud neighbours.  However, over time I began to appreciate the city.  I could walk five minutes and get a slurpee anytime I wanted to.  If I ran out of milk or some ingredient I needed, I could be at the grocery store and back in about 10 minutes and continue baking.  If I ever had a fire in my house (which has happened) the fire department could be there in about two minutes.  The nosy neighbours always let me know if someone had been lurking around my house or if I left my garage door open.  And those loud neighbours provided hours of amusement if I stopped and listened to them.  Yep, I learned to love the city.

When we moved to our current house my love affair was solidified.  We found a cute little house that is very pleasantly situated on a park green space.  I no longer have neighbours living behind me, just a lovely patch of grass leading to a pretty (but dirty) lake.  I now have the best of both worlds.  I can get get in my car and 10 minutes later be sitting on my deck sipping my slurpee (or better yet, my Starbucks!).  Now, having said that, lately I've been having an odd urge to be in the country.  No matter where you live in the city, you are still in the city.  There are still noises and people that you cannot control.  I find myself more and more often driving out to my parents house just to hear the peaceful sound of the wind in the trees.  My kid likes to go to Grandma's to swim and play but I like to go there to unwind and feel...... settled.  All the stress and strain that comes with kids, a husband, a mortgage, laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, etc... all melt away the second I feel that calming breeze.  If you have never lived out of the city you may not understand what I am talking about but maybe that's just it..... that breeze isn't just a breeze, it's home.  So, as much as I love the city, I think I will always be a country girl at heart.

Summer Guilt Syndrome

I love summer.  I really really do.  However, every year I find myself drowning in intense guilt.  When spring first arrives we take every opportunity to be outside, even if it is still a bit chilly.  Then when the warm weather arrives I am outside with the kids from sun up to sun down.  Then the end of July arrives.  By this time, warm summer weather is beginning to feel normal and I start to get the itch to get a bit more done everyday.  This year I even want to take up a hobby that is..... are you ready for this..... indoors!  And this is where the guilt enters.  I feel so guilty every time the weather is beautiful and I want to do something indoors.  I went outside this morning for over an hour with the kids then I spent two hours outside in the afternoon with L while T had his afternoon nap.  Now, T is still sleeping, the weather is still nice but I want to come inside and do some baking.  Is it so wrong to not be outside every second of our super short Manitoba summer?  While baking I am still in front of my kitchen window with the beautiful summer breeze in my face while watching the curtains in my dining room swell and sway with the same breeze.  Oh, the things I find to feel guilty about.  Perhaps I just need to let go of the guilt and go make my chocolate cinnamon buns.  Yep, I bet eating one of those will melt away my summer guilt..... but it will probably make my diet guilt even more intense!  Oh, Nancy... how art thou so guilt ridden?

My New Hobby

I desperately want to be a good cook and baker.  I really love being in my kitchen and creating new things but my kitchen skills are limited to what I have learned from my cookbooks.  I really want to learn some real skills.  So, from now on, every month I am going to try master a new cooking skill.  I think I will start with bread.  I am going to learn how to make bread and buns from scratch.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Over the last little while I have attempted a couple of cakes.  I did one for my dad's 70th birthday with some help from a friend on mine.  She came over and helped me make the fondant and showed me how to use it.  The cake was simple and it looked quite nice.

Then, this week I decided to make Dean a birthday cake.  No one in my house (other than me) eats cake.  Dean and L will take a few bites but neither of them love cake.  Despite that, I thought I would make Dean a cake just for the fun of it.  It turned out quite cute and he appreciated it.  Dean really likes wake boarding and he's quite good at it so I wanted  to make a wake board themed cake.  Since it was my first time attempting fondant by myself I was not about to make a 3D person but I figured I could probably make some feet.  So, I make a cake that looked like Dean fell off his wake board.  He thought it was cute and Lillian laughed all day about it :)

Road Trip

Dean and I have decided to take our first road trip with the kids.  I know that this may not seem all that groundbreaking to some of you, but for us it really is.  We've done destinations up to three hours away but now we are going on a seven hour drive.  When we first thought about doing it I was most concerned about L but then I thought about it for a while and now I am concerned about little T.  He is pretty good in the car but his favorite thing to do is to lay on the ground and roll around grabbing his toes.  If he can't do that for seven hours, I'm not sure how he's going to feel.  In general he's pretty laid back but it's still making me very nervous.  We are going to attempt to leave at.... are you ready..... 4:00AM!  Yep, we figured that doing as much of the trip while the kids are sleeping would be a good idea.  If we drive through the night then we are going to be exhausted when we arrive and since we are only going for the weekend, by the time we get over our exhaustion it will be time to go home already.  So, we figure that we could go to bed nice and early the night before so we are fairly well rested by the time 4:00AM comes around.  At least, that's the plan... (insert nervous laugh here).

I really do want to be one of those adventurous parents who takes her kids on fun adventures but it is very difficult to do that when you are a control freak like me.  So, I'm going to take a leap and just go for it.  It may be a train wreck but it may also go well and be the beginning of many more fun adventures.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Mid-Life Crissis?

I think I may be having a mid-life crisis.  But, I think I may be too young for that..... at least I hope I live to be older than 58 (is 29 half of 58???).  I have been very blessed in my life and since birth I have always lived in a nice home, with new clothes, good food and my own vehicle... ok, I haven't had my own vehicle since birth but you get the idea.  I really have been blessed financially.  Now I find myself coming into a time in my life where friends of mine are buying bigger houses, buying new cars, wearing brand name clothes, etc...  I will be perfectly honest and admit that these are all things that I would like to have and there is nothing wrong with having them.... unless you are me.  I could go back to work and Dean and I could quite comfortably afford a bigger house and some new things that we have wanted for a while.  But, I have a funny feeling that once I had those things, I would be happy for a few years..... and then I would probably want a slightly bigger house.... a newer car.... some more clothes.... and I have a funny feeling that, even with a double income, we would find ourselves in the same financial spot we are in right now.  Instead of striving for those things, I have decided to live in the blessings that God has given us.  We are SO blessed to have enough money for food, clothing and shelter.  I thank God every night (literally) that I don't have to worry about how I am going to feed my kids or keep them warm in the middle of winter.... not to mention that they are both healthy! I want my kids to appreciate how blessed they are.... yes, I realize that is easier said then done and I have no idea how I am going to do that.

The other day I was working out and Lillian asked me why.  I told her that it was because I wanted to keep my body healthy.  That was a good answer.... not entirely honest, but good.  The real answer is because I have about 15lbs of "baby weight" still clinging to my entire body and I have have to buy an almost entirely new wardrobe because none of my pre-second-pregnancy clothes fit me anymore.  If I were being totally honest, I would also have to add that I want to get rid of that weight because I want to look "good" as I walk through public places so that other people (mostly perfectly random strangers) can judge me based on my appearance and I want my appearance to say that I am thin and beautiful therefore I must be a good person.  Is that honest enough?  Not exactly the message I want to be giving my 2 year old daughter and certainly not the message I want to be giving to her when she is a teenager and physical appearance starts to matter to her.  My goodness..... when did physically beauty become so warped?  I want to go back to the days where being plump and pale was the trend.  I would be a supermodel in that world! 

Then, the other day, Lillian asked me when her birthday was.  I told her that she had to wait until after summer time.  Then she asked me if she could have a party with all her friends.  Now that was a question I was not prepared to answer.  If her reason for having a party was to celebrate with all her friends, then sure, she can have a party.  If her reason is because she wants all the gifts, then I'm not so certain.  Yes, I realize that I am being a bit of a hypocrite here because I vividly remember being very excited about what presents were going to show up at my birthday party.  But where is the line when your kid is two?  I don't have the answer to that question either.

Why does everything seem so complicated?  It's exhausting trying to keep up with other people.  Perhaps that is why God doesn't tell us to keep up with the head of the pack.  Instead God tell us to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength".  God doesn't care about how big my house is or how I have it decorated (and we all know how much I like decorating.... yep, the walls are freshly painted), nor does he care about what I am wearing.  He does ask us to take care of our bodies but he doesn't ask me to look like the women in magazine adds.  He doesn't care what vehicle I drive or what sunglasses I am wearing as I drive it.  He has blessed many of us with material things but he asks us to not care about them.  What he does care about about is what is going on in my heart.  Do I love my neighbors more than I love myself?  Am I more concerned about loving them then I am about comparing myself to them?  Am I teaching my kids to care about people more than stuff?  Am I leading them by example? (umm.....)

I'm ok if people think that I am being too extreme.  I don't claim to be a saint in the midst of sinners.  I spend most of my life doing the opposite of what I have just written about.  All I know is that God has been nudging me.  He has been nudging me to examine myself compared to his standards..... and his standards are high.  I'm finding myself coming up short but perhaps that is why he has been leading me in this direction.

I don't want my kids to be like me.

Some people want their kids to be like them.  I do not.  As the years have gone by more and more of my faults have come into plain view.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a bad person, nor do I wallow at who I have become.  I consider myself very blessed that God is merciful and He is still working on me.  I do have some good traits but, truth be told, I am a serious work in progress.  I had coffee with a very good friend a few weeks ago and I confessed to her how I have allowed myself to go about life expecting happiness.  One thing I have learned is that there is a difference between happiness and joy.  I wanted happiness which, to me, meant getting along with my husband, being a suzie homemaker, having my kids behave, getting ahead in life financially and doing things that I like to do.  Please do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those things. What was wrong was that I got upset if those things did not happen.  A few weeks ago I had a conversation with some members of my family about heaven.  My dad (who is turning 70 next month) began telling us that he has been doing some serious thinking about death.  He is realizing that, even if he has many good years, death is approaching him.  I was very uncomfortable with that conversation until we got a bit deeper into it.  Death is reality.  If I really believe what I say that I believe, death should not make me uncomfortable.  Death is the end of life on this earth but it is the beginning of life with God.  Hmmmm, if heaven is all about angels playing harp music, opera sounding background voices, white robes and clouds, then I'm not so sure how I'm supposed to be excited about it.  Lucky for us, that's not what heaven is.  If I were to answer honestly, I don't really all that much about what heaven is going to be like but I have seen the faces of people who really, truly know God and how their eyes dance with a joy that flows from so deep within their soul.  My eyes don't do that.  That is why I don't want my kids to be like me.  However, God and I are doing some construction on my soul and hopefully one day my eyes can dance and radiate Gods love for my kids to see.  I am working of being "joyful in all circumstances".  I desperately want my kids to watch me face tough circumstances with a joy that is real.  I want to live like heaven is just around the corner.  I suppose it is.  Life is unpredictable.  What would my life look like if I lived with heaven as my goal?  What if I enjoyed all the wonderful things that life offers but instead of my life's goal being a dream house/a vacation/a large RRSP/ etc.... really living with my goal being heaven and bringing as many people with me as I possibly can.  What would my life look like then?  I'm not entirely sure, but I can tell you this.... if I could really live like that, then I would want my kids to be like me.

My Son's Name

We had a difficult time naming our son.  His middle name was a quick and easy decision.  He is named after his Grandpa, my dad (more on that to come) but it was really important to me that our son have his own first name.  No matter how great our son's namesake is, it was really important to me that he be identified by his own name because, as much as I would like him to be like his grandfather, I want him to carve out a place in the world with his own name.  So, we named him Timothy which means "honoring God'.  If I were only allowed to pray for one thing for my son, it would be that he would choose to live his life bringing honor and glory to God.  That he would know God as his father and that he would live a blessed life as a result of honoring God in all he says and does.  I wish I were better at that....  I desperately want my son to be better than me.

Timothy's middle names are William Josef.  William means "determined guardian" and Josef means "God will add, God will increase".  As amazing as both those meanings are, we did not give Timothy those names because of their meanings.  We gave him those names because of the man with those names who came before him.  In my humble opinion, my dad is an amazing man.  He came to Canada when he was 19 years old with a grade 8 education and unable to speak any English.  He worked hard and made a life for himself, and for his family.  He always provided for our family, usually more than we needed.  He taught my sisters and I to be strong, smart, loving, determined, educated women (with my mom's help, of course ;) ).  I appreciate the life that my dad provided for me and the example that he set.  But more than all of that, as I look back at my life and at my current life, I appreciate who my dad is as a person and what he means to me.  My dad loves me.  Never once in my life have I ever doubted that.  As an insecure kid, my dad would sit me in front of the mirror before school and make me say "I am just as good and just as smart as all the other kids".  I eventually believed it, not because I repeated it so much, but because I knew my dad believed it.  My dad moved part of his construction company to western Canada when I was younger and as a result, he had to miss my birthday one year.  The next year, as my birthday drew new, he was out west again.  I cried.  He caught a plane and came home for my birthday.  When I was in Jr High, I began to get involved in sports.  My dad came to the majority of my games and cheered so loud that other parents in the crowd were concerned that he would have a heart attack.  When I was pregnant with Lillian, we had some devastating news that she might not make it full term.  The day after I found out, my dad had a bad accident and ended up in the hospital with a fractured skull.  Two days after that I got some test results back that indicated that Lillian was most likely ok.  It was not a 100% guarantee and I was still feeling a little nervous.  I went to the hospital to visit my dad that day.  After telling him about the results, I remember very clearly my dad looking at me and saying, "Those are good odds.  I'd take them".  That was the moment that I felt like everything was going to be alright.

I trust my dad because he has never given me any reason not to.  I love my dad because he has always shown me love through the time he spent with me.  I talk to my dad because he always wants to talk to me.  I love being around my dad because he always smiles when I walk into a room.  I love asking my dad for advice because he always gives me his best.  I love giving my dad gifts because he never expects them but always appreciates them.  I once found a folder in my dad's desk that had notes and pictures that my sisters and I had given him over the years as we were growing up.  My dad and I do not often hug.  We rarely tell eachother "I love you".  But, there is no doubt in my mind that my dad loves me, my mom and my sisters.

I want my son to be like that.

Done.... but not sure how I feel about it.

So, I quit.  Yep, I am officially finished breastfeeding.  I apologize to anyone out there who may find this post a little awkward or too personal...... I suggest you just stop reading.  After 10 weeks of feeding my baby 7-8 times a day in pain, I quit.  I really did give it a valiant effort.  I fought through pain so bad that I almost passed out, I saw the health nurse four times, I saw the lactation consultant 6 times, I went to the breastfeeding clinic for several weeks, I tried medication, I tried creams, I tried experimental creams, I dyed my nipples purple and nothing ever helped.  I was so determined to make breastfeeding work this time around but once again, I failed after only two months.  I know there are women out there who will tell me that I did my best and I pushed through a lot of pain and that there is no shame in switching to formula, but I still feel like a failure.  Why is it so easy for some women and how do some women get past the pain?  What on earth does it feel like to breastfeed your baby without pain? 

On Saturday morning I woke up for the 5th time in 10 hours to nurse my baby and I finally just cried.  The thought of fighting through more pain was just too much.  I looked at my husband and said "I'm done" and he looked back and me and said "ok".  Then we went and bought formula.  I thought I would feel relieved.  I thought that once I decided to quit breastfeeding I would embrace my decision and be proud of myself for all the hard work I put in over the last two months.  But, I don't.  It's been four days since I made that decision and it still haunts me.  My body is slowly realizing that there is no longer a baby needing milk from his mother and it's slowly depleting its supply.  But every time I think that maybe I shouldn't have given up, my body kicks in and gets ready to feed a baby.  How on earth am I supposed to feel good about my decision when it feels like my body doesn't want to quit?  Will I ever feel good about this decision?  If I kept on going would the pain eventually get better?  What if I keep fighting and months down the road I am still miserable and in pain?  There are no answers to my questions so until my body finishes depleting its supply I fear that I will have to live in this land of limbo where I hold back tears while I question my decision a hundred times a day.

All of you mothers out there who are able to breastfeed, feel blessed. 

Guilt

I have realized that I never knew what guilt was until I had kids.  It seems like I have felt consistently guilty for weeks now.  Now that Timothy is here I have not had as much time to spend with Lillian and I feel like I am always telling her to wait.  I'm either doing laundry, making a meal, changing a diaper, feeding the baby, or trying to drink a cup of coffee.  I wish I had more time to spend with her.  Then I realized something.  Lillian doesn't really care what she does with me, she just wants to do something with me.  So, I have had to push my clean-freak and control-freak tendencies aside and let my little girl help me out.  She wants so badly to help me cook, clean, and take care of Timothy.  So what if the laundry is folded funny or she gets sauce on her clothes while she helps me cook?  Why have things like that always been a big deal to me.  So what if she brings downstairs toys upstairs?  Wow, I really am a control freak because even saying that makes my skin crawl.  It is not time to be a control-freak when you have small kids.  I need to start letting Lillian do more and help more so that she feels like she is part of our family.  A few weeks ago I said something to Lillian and I realized that I was beginning to feel like she was getting in the way.  If I felt like that, imagine how she felt!  It was probably one of the worst moments of my life when I realized that.  So, I am resolved to let my house be a bit messy, let my clothes wrinkle, and not worry whether Lillian is getting dirty while she eats or plays.  My kid is SO much more important to me than any of those things and I do not want to look back at my life and realize that I had a very clean house but it was at the expense of time with my kids.  No sirree, I am a mom first and a maid second ;)  So, if you come for a visit at my house in the future, it will be messy and I will make no apologies because my kids will be happy and loved.

I'll Admit It

My second child is a boy.  I didn't realize how much I thought it was going to be a girl until my baby was four weeks old and I saw a woman with two little girls and I was jealous.  Not just a little jealous.  I felt like something I had dreamed about was taken away from me.  I am from a family of three girls and I guess I just always thought that I would have all girls as well.  I didn't.  When my little boy was six weeks old I still wasn't over the shock.  I started to feel very nervous because I was still having a difficult time with the fact that my baby was a boy.  Yep, I'm a terrible mother.  But then it happened.  I was rocking my little boy to sleep last week and I looked at him and realized that I am madly in love with him.  Not just a little in love, madly in love.  And, I love the fact that he is a boy.  I love absolutely everything about him.  I will admit that it took a while, and I am ashamed of that, but there is no way that I would change anything about my kids.  I love my big girl and I love my little boy just as much.

Saying Goodbye

Twenty three years ago I walked into my grade one classroom and met a cute little girl who, unknown to me, would become one of my very best friends.  Today I spent the evening with that cutie (who is now a beautiful woman) and another great friend.  We went out for dinner and ended up spending over four hours talking.  We talked about our lives, our kids, our husbands, and anything else we could think of.  It was a night I don't think I will ever forget because we talked about things I have never talked about with anyone else.  I realized tonight that one of the greatest blessings in my life are these two friends.  We have all know eachother for over two decades.  That cute little girl and I went to school together, got married around the same time, had kids around the same time (our daughters are only 4 days apart) and bought minivans around the same time ;) The other friend and I have had similar experiences together.  There are no other people in the world that I can be as honest and vulnerable with.  There are few people that I have laughed with like I have laughed with these two.

That cute little girl is now moving away.  Two provinces away.  Three years ago she moved only five minutes from my house.  That fall we went on numerous walks to try and induce labour.  She had her baby on a Saturday and I had mine the following Wednesday in the same hospital.  Our houses were so close that our little girls were going to be in the same elementary school just like their mommies.  My little girl loves her kids.  She talks about them and often asks if we can go play with them.  This week I told her that her friends are moving away and we wont be able to play with them very often.  She seemed ok with the idea but I'm not.  I know the first time she asks if we can play with them after they move I will break down into tears.  She may not understand it yet, but it's hard to watch friends move away.  I know we will always keep in touch and visit one another, but it's not the same.  That's why tonight was so special.  I am going to miss having my wonderful friend so close by but I feel so blessed to have her in my life, no matter where she lives.

Perspective

I feel like I have spent the last five weeks complaining.  I'm not getting enough sleep, my c-section incision is sore, my toddler is having temper tantrums, my husband is not helping as much as I would like him to, my mom is out of town all month.... The list could go on and on.  A few days ago I felt like I hit a brick wall.  A family that we know of was on vacation and their 5 year old fell in the pool.  She was revived but unresponsive.  This morning, she died.  Sleep, c-section, tantrums.... all seem insignificant.  I am awake at night with my baby who is healthy, growing and in my arms.  I have a wound in my midsection that is there because doctors were able to intervene to save my baby and I.  My toddler's temper tantrums can be dealt with... she is healthy and I can hold her whenever I want. Today my problems are beginning to feel like blessings and out there a mother is grieving and I'm sure she would gladly take my problems over the unimaginable grief that she is facing.  My prayer today is peace for a grieving family and a hope that we continue to look at our "problems" as blessings.  Please join your prayers with ours so that we can stand together alongside a family who could really use them right now.

Amazing What a Week Can Do

Last week at this time I could barely move, I wasn't sleeping, my toddler was a screaming mess and I cried at least once a day.  Now, a week later, we're getting a decent amount of sleep (knock on wood), Lillian seems to be adjusting much better, and I can move with very little discomfort.  We are almost at the two week mark which means that I am halfway to being able to pick up Lillian.  Yesterday she looked at me and said "Mommy, is your owie better so you can pick me up?"  I cannot wait for the day that I can go into her room in the morning, pick her up and cuddle her.  That will be a good day.  But until then, I think I'll be alright.  I am so encouraged by how good I feel, but I need to still remember that I had a pretty major surgery and I can't push it too much.  Even though life is not exactly predictable yet, it's starting to feel a little bit more "normal".  We've been getting out to playgroups, church, and visiting with friends which does so much for all of us.  We have discovered that we are a family that needs interaction.  We crave being around people.  We are so blessed to have amazing friends and family that we spent lots of time with and who have been so encouraging over the last two weeks and have blessed us SO much by providing food for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more :)

My Heart

Well, it has been a week since I was pregnant.  Just for the record, being pregnant was much easier than what I've got going on now, but it wasn't nearly as amazing.  Our new little addition is a wonderful, healthy little boy.  He had a very rough time getting into the world (so much for my quick, pain free labour) but he is a very healthy little guy who has found his place in our hearts.  When I had Lillian, she came out and I immediately got to hold her.  I remember being completely in love with her the second I saw her.  I held her and couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her.  This time around, I ended up having an emergency c-section and I was put under.  I regained conscienceness about an hour and a half later.  I found myself in a room with two nurses.  They told me that I had a little baby boy.  I didn't believe them.  Apparently, I thought I was having another girl.  A few minutes later Dean came into the room (he had been with the baby) and he showed me pictures of our son but it still didn't seem quite real.  About 15 minutes later, my little boy was brought into the room.  I felt a little alarmed that I did not have the same reaction to him as I did to Lillian.  I didn't remember him being born and he was already over an hour old.  He had never met me.  He spent the first hour of his life with doctors and nurses poking and prodding him.  Would he know who I was?  I actually felt slightly reluctant to hold him.  What if he didn't like me?  Dean took him out of the basinet and placed him in my very shakey arms.  He looked at me, I looked at him..... I was in love.

We had to stay in the hospital for three days which nearly drove me nuts.  On the last night, I broke down.  I was angry.  I was angry that I had been sliced open and now had a long recovery ahead of me.  I was angry that I couldn't pick up Lillian for at least four weeks.  I was angry that I had to sit around and not do anything.  I was angry that I couldn't drive.  After Lillian was born, Dean and I went on lots of little outings the first few weeks.  We loved going on walks and we would fight over who got to push the stroller.  Now, I had to sit around on my behind, depending on everyone else.  The worst part is when Lillian calls my name and I am unable to get up and go to her.  Or when she cries for me to pick her up and all I can do is stand there and tell her that I love her but I can't hold her.  My heart wants to scream.  I can handle not having a clean kitchen or having to depend on my mom to do my laundry but I cannot handle not being able to care for my child.  And, to make matters worse, she is having a very difficult time with it too.  A week ago I had a pretty well behaved little girl.  For the most part she listened well and her and I had lots of fun together.  Now, I sit on the couch while I watch her have temper tantrum after temper tantrum and poor Dean doesn't know what to do.  Honestly, I don't know what to do either.  Her world has been turned upside down.  The mom that she had 24/7 is now unable to play with her but is able to spend day and night with the new baby.  I'm pretty sure both her and my hearts are broken.  However, I know this is temporary.  I know that four weeks will go by pretty quickly and I'll be able to hold her and love her the way that we both need.  We just have to make it through this time, without wishing it away.  Our little boy will never be a newborn again.  This is his first month of life and I don't want to spend it by wishing it away.  How many ways can one heart be pulled?

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Being overdue is very interesting.  Every second of every day I know that I could go into labour.  Every little ping and pang in my body causes me to stop and wonder if the time has finally come.  I did go into labour by myself with our first little one but everyone keeps telling me that every labour is different.  I sure hope they are right cause my first labour was horrible!  When it started I had not slept in over 24 hours, then the labour took 20 hours, the epidural did not work, and it took 2.5 hours to push that little girl out in the middle of the night.  This time around, I am hoping to go into labour after a good nights sleep, have the epidural take away all my pain, and push this baby out in 30 minutes or less.  Ok, perhaps my expectations are a bit unrealistic but I need that dream to keep me from having a panic attack.

Yesterday I was pretty exhausted.  I have not been sleeping well and the bigger this baby gets, the worse the acid reflux becomes.  Yesterday the reflux was so bad that I felt like throwing up all day long.  By the time 5:00pm rolled around, I was done.  My wonderful husband stepped in for me and got our kid fed, bathed and into bed while I layed down on the couch feeling sorry for myself.  During the evening I had a startling revelation...... either I keeping being pregnant and become more and more uncomfortable or I go into painful labour.  Talk about a rock and a hard place!  The worst part of it is that I HAVE NO CONTROL over it.  Grrrrrrrrrr, I hate having no control.  I am a control monster.  I must have my house clean and organized at all times or I get very grumpy.  Poor Mr. Wonderful (aka my husband) cannot leave anything laying around without me attacking him.  Labour makes me so anxious because I cannot dictate exactly how it will go.  It seems a little unfair.  If I have to go through something that painful, shouldn't I get some say in how it will go?  Hmmmm,  perhaps this is one of those things that I just have to leave in God's hands.  One of the biggest curses of being a control freak is that giving God control is REALLY hard.  Could going into labour be a teachable moment between God and I?  Hmmmmm, there's a perspective that I haven't had before.......

Still Waiting..... But That's OK

I am officially two days overdue.  People keep trying to encourage me by saying that the baby will be here before I know it and to just hang in there.  I really do appreciate their encouragement especially because most of those women have been in my position before.  However, I am experiencing an interesting phenomenon..... I don't mind waiting.  Maybe I figured that since Lillian was late it was inevitable that this one would be too or maybe I'm afraid of labour, maybe I selfishly love my sleep, or maybe I just so desperately want Dean here for the delivery that I am more than willing to wait as long as possible to have this baby.  Whatever the reason, I am perfectly content to continue waiting.  Feeling this way sure makes the waiting easy.  So, if you see me in the next few days don't feel sorry for me, because I am perfectly fine.

On the other hand, poor Lillian would really like to meet her new brother or sister.  She asks me regularly if we can go to the doctor and get the baby out of mommy's tummy.  She is also very much looking forward to having a sleepover at Grandma's house and getting to have a bath in Grandma's big bathtub.  She is also very excited that when the baby comes Daddy does not have to go to work for a long time because he's going to stay home with us (thank you Paternity Leave!).  She is probably getting pretty sick of waiting for this baby that she's been hearing about for so long.  On the plus side, she's associating the new baby coming with all kinds of positive things which might help with sibbling rivalry..... at least for a week or so ;)

I don't really have much more to say.  Life feels like it is going in slow motion right now, but that is a feeling that comes very rarely in life so I've decided to embrace and enjoy it.... at least for another day or so.

Waiting

I very clearly remember waiting for Lillian to finally arrive.  For some reason I had the idea in my head that she was going to be two weeks early.  I decided to start my maternity leave two and a half weeks before my due date.  I got the baby room all ready, all the clothes washed, bags packed and freezer stocked with meals.  Well, two weeks before my due date arrived and no baby came.  The next week arrived and still no baby.  Then along came my due date and, yep you guessed it, still no baby.  By this time I had come obsessed with washing my floors.  I vacumed and mopped my floors at least once a day.  I was determined to come home from the hospital to a house with clean floors.  Yep, obsessed is definately the word to use.


The waiting probably would not have been too bad if four people who were due after me did not have their babies before me.  Every time I heard about someone having their baby, anger would begin to rise up in me.  Poor Dean was the very gracious recipient of this rage.  I specifically remember an evening nine days after my due date.  Dean and I rented "Baby Mama"..... Note: don't rent movies about people having babies when you are overdue.  Halfway through the movie I got a phone call from a very good friend of mine who's baby was due two weeks after mine.  As soon as I heard her voice I could feel that rage begin to bubble up.  Yep, she was calling to tell me that she had just delivered a baby girl.  SERIOUSLY!!!!!  At that moment I felt like my baby was a very mean spirited prankster who was out to make me as miserable as possible.  I somehow found it in me to, very nicely, ask how her labour went and then even sound excited for her.  Of course I was very happy for her but my self pitty overtook that feeling.  I hung up the phone, unpaused the movie, and started to bawl.  My poor husband did not know what had taken over his wife and I'm sure he began to pray very hard that God would take away this crazy lady in his family room and bring back his wife.  I can honestly say that in that very moment, I was convinced I would be pregnant forever!  Well, obviously I was not perma-pregnant.  Lillian decided to arrive four days after that with her little lungs ready to scream for the next four months.  About two days after she was born I wished she had stayed inside me just a little bit longer.  Yes, I am fickle. 


With baby number two I decided early on that I was going to brace myself for this baby to be late.  I was determined to be mentally prepared.  However, when I hit the 7 1/2 month mark my determination was beginning to disappear and I found myself hoping that this baby might come just a little bit early.  Then, when I was a little less then three weeks away from my due date I got a phone call from a friend who was due a week after me.  Yep, you guessed it, she had her baby 4 weeks early.  I don't know what happened inside me, but the rage that I would have expected turned into pure dread.  All of a sudden the memories of a very long labour (with an epidural that didn't take) and a screaming colicky baby came flooding over me.  I was relieved that it was her who had her baby and not me. 


So now I am one day away from my due date and I am in absolutely no rush to get this baby out.  I know that life is going to change when this baby arrives.  I know that instead of having a kid, I will have kids.  I know that sleeping through the night will be non-existent for a while.  Don't misunderstand me, I also know that this baby is going to be an amazing blessing that we are going to love and cherish forever and I am very excited to meet him or her.  I simply feel that I could wait another week for that meeting.  This may also stem from the fact that my husband is a truck driver and is often out of town and I spend about half the nights of the week telling this baby to wait until Daddy gets home.  I do have a backup plan if Dean is out of town and I thought I would be alright if he wasn't here, afterall I've known for months that chances of him being there were about 50/50.  But as the day draws near I realize that, as much as I love my backup people, I want to share the moment with Dean.  Seeing Lillian for the first time was the single greatest moment of our marriage.  All of a sudden we were not just two people, we were a family.  The instant we saw her we were both in love with not only her, but eachother.  I will never forget the moment Dean held Lillian for the first time.  I have never ever seen him so in awe.  I don't want that moment to come hours after this baby is born, I want that moment as soon as the baby is born.  Maybe that's just pure selfishness but as a mother who spends my life being unselfish and putting my kids first, I feel like maybe I deserve that moment.