Done.... but not sure how I feel about it.

So, I quit.  Yep, I am officially finished breastfeeding.  I apologize to anyone out there who may find this post a little awkward or too personal...... I suggest you just stop reading.  After 10 weeks of feeding my baby 7-8 times a day in pain, I quit.  I really did give it a valiant effort.  I fought through pain so bad that I almost passed out, I saw the health nurse four times, I saw the lactation consultant 6 times, I went to the breastfeeding clinic for several weeks, I tried medication, I tried creams, I tried experimental creams, I dyed my nipples purple and nothing ever helped.  I was so determined to make breastfeeding work this time around but once again, I failed after only two months.  I know there are women out there who will tell me that I did my best and I pushed through a lot of pain and that there is no shame in switching to formula, but I still feel like a failure.  Why is it so easy for some women and how do some women get past the pain?  What on earth does it feel like to breastfeed your baby without pain? 

On Saturday morning I woke up for the 5th time in 10 hours to nurse my baby and I finally just cried.  The thought of fighting through more pain was just too much.  I looked at my husband and said "I'm done" and he looked back and me and said "ok".  Then we went and bought formula.  I thought I would feel relieved.  I thought that once I decided to quit breastfeeding I would embrace my decision and be proud of myself for all the hard work I put in over the last two months.  But, I don't.  It's been four days since I made that decision and it still haunts me.  My body is slowly realizing that there is no longer a baby needing milk from his mother and it's slowly depleting its supply.  But every time I think that maybe I shouldn't have given up, my body kicks in and gets ready to feed a baby.  How on earth am I supposed to feel good about my decision when it feels like my body doesn't want to quit?  Will I ever feel good about this decision?  If I kept on going would the pain eventually get better?  What if I keep fighting and months down the road I am still miserable and in pain?  There are no answers to my questions so until my body finishes depleting its supply I fear that I will have to live in this land of limbo where I hold back tears while I question my decision a hundred times a day.

All of you mothers out there who are able to breastfeed, feel blessed. 

Guilt

I have realized that I never knew what guilt was until I had kids.  It seems like I have felt consistently guilty for weeks now.  Now that Timothy is here I have not had as much time to spend with Lillian and I feel like I am always telling her to wait.  I'm either doing laundry, making a meal, changing a diaper, feeding the baby, or trying to drink a cup of coffee.  I wish I had more time to spend with her.  Then I realized something.  Lillian doesn't really care what she does with me, she just wants to do something with me.  So, I have had to push my clean-freak and control-freak tendencies aside and let my little girl help me out.  She wants so badly to help me cook, clean, and take care of Timothy.  So what if the laundry is folded funny or she gets sauce on her clothes while she helps me cook?  Why have things like that always been a big deal to me.  So what if she brings downstairs toys upstairs?  Wow, I really am a control freak because even saying that makes my skin crawl.  It is not time to be a control-freak when you have small kids.  I need to start letting Lillian do more and help more so that she feels like she is part of our family.  A few weeks ago I said something to Lillian and I realized that I was beginning to feel like she was getting in the way.  If I felt like that, imagine how she felt!  It was probably one of the worst moments of my life when I realized that.  So, I am resolved to let my house be a bit messy, let my clothes wrinkle, and not worry whether Lillian is getting dirty while she eats or plays.  My kid is SO much more important to me than any of those things and I do not want to look back at my life and realize that I had a very clean house but it was at the expense of time with my kids.  No sirree, I am a mom first and a maid second ;)  So, if you come for a visit at my house in the future, it will be messy and I will make no apologies because my kids will be happy and loved.

I'll Admit It

My second child is a boy.  I didn't realize how much I thought it was going to be a girl until my baby was four weeks old and I saw a woman with two little girls and I was jealous.  Not just a little jealous.  I felt like something I had dreamed about was taken away from me.  I am from a family of three girls and I guess I just always thought that I would have all girls as well.  I didn't.  When my little boy was six weeks old I still wasn't over the shock.  I started to feel very nervous because I was still having a difficult time with the fact that my baby was a boy.  Yep, I'm a terrible mother.  But then it happened.  I was rocking my little boy to sleep last week and I looked at him and realized that I am madly in love with him.  Not just a little in love, madly in love.  And, I love the fact that he is a boy.  I love absolutely everything about him.  I will admit that it took a while, and I am ashamed of that, but there is no way that I would change anything about my kids.  I love my big girl and I love my little boy just as much.

Saying Goodbye

Twenty three years ago I walked into my grade one classroom and met a cute little girl who, unknown to me, would become one of my very best friends.  Today I spent the evening with that cutie (who is now a beautiful woman) and another great friend.  We went out for dinner and ended up spending over four hours talking.  We talked about our lives, our kids, our husbands, and anything else we could think of.  It was a night I don't think I will ever forget because we talked about things I have never talked about with anyone else.  I realized tonight that one of the greatest blessings in my life are these two friends.  We have all know eachother for over two decades.  That cute little girl and I went to school together, got married around the same time, had kids around the same time (our daughters are only 4 days apart) and bought minivans around the same time ;) The other friend and I have had similar experiences together.  There are no other people in the world that I can be as honest and vulnerable with.  There are few people that I have laughed with like I have laughed with these two.

That cute little girl is now moving away.  Two provinces away.  Three years ago she moved only five minutes from my house.  That fall we went on numerous walks to try and induce labour.  She had her baby on a Saturday and I had mine the following Wednesday in the same hospital.  Our houses were so close that our little girls were going to be in the same elementary school just like their mommies.  My little girl loves her kids.  She talks about them and often asks if we can go play with them.  This week I told her that her friends are moving away and we wont be able to play with them very often.  She seemed ok with the idea but I'm not.  I know the first time she asks if we can play with them after they move I will break down into tears.  She may not understand it yet, but it's hard to watch friends move away.  I know we will always keep in touch and visit one another, but it's not the same.  That's why tonight was so special.  I am going to miss having my wonderful friend so close by but I feel so blessed to have her in my life, no matter where she lives.

Perspective

I feel like I have spent the last five weeks complaining.  I'm not getting enough sleep, my c-section incision is sore, my toddler is having temper tantrums, my husband is not helping as much as I would like him to, my mom is out of town all month.... The list could go on and on.  A few days ago I felt like I hit a brick wall.  A family that we know of was on vacation and their 5 year old fell in the pool.  She was revived but unresponsive.  This morning, she died.  Sleep, c-section, tantrums.... all seem insignificant.  I am awake at night with my baby who is healthy, growing and in my arms.  I have a wound in my midsection that is there because doctors were able to intervene to save my baby and I.  My toddler's temper tantrums can be dealt with... she is healthy and I can hold her whenever I want. Today my problems are beginning to feel like blessings and out there a mother is grieving and I'm sure she would gladly take my problems over the unimaginable grief that she is facing.  My prayer today is peace for a grieving family and a hope that we continue to look at our "problems" as blessings.  Please join your prayers with ours so that we can stand together alongside a family who could really use them right now.

Amazing What a Week Can Do

Last week at this time I could barely move, I wasn't sleeping, my toddler was a screaming mess and I cried at least once a day.  Now, a week later, we're getting a decent amount of sleep (knock on wood), Lillian seems to be adjusting much better, and I can move with very little discomfort.  We are almost at the two week mark which means that I am halfway to being able to pick up Lillian.  Yesterday she looked at me and said "Mommy, is your owie better so you can pick me up?"  I cannot wait for the day that I can go into her room in the morning, pick her up and cuddle her.  That will be a good day.  But until then, I think I'll be alright.  I am so encouraged by how good I feel, but I need to still remember that I had a pretty major surgery and I can't push it too much.  Even though life is not exactly predictable yet, it's starting to feel a little bit more "normal".  We've been getting out to playgroups, church, and visiting with friends which does so much for all of us.  We have discovered that we are a family that needs interaction.  We crave being around people.  We are so blessed to have amazing friends and family that we spent lots of time with and who have been so encouraging over the last two weeks and have blessed us SO much by providing food for our little family.  I could not ask for anything more :)

My Heart

Well, it has been a week since I was pregnant.  Just for the record, being pregnant was much easier than what I've got going on now, but it wasn't nearly as amazing.  Our new little addition is a wonderful, healthy little boy.  He had a very rough time getting into the world (so much for my quick, pain free labour) but he is a very healthy little guy who has found his place in our hearts.  When I had Lillian, she came out and I immediately got to hold her.  I remember being completely in love with her the second I saw her.  I held her and couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her.  This time around, I ended up having an emergency c-section and I was put under.  I regained conscienceness about an hour and a half later.  I found myself in a room with two nurses.  They told me that I had a little baby boy.  I didn't believe them.  Apparently, I thought I was having another girl.  A few minutes later Dean came into the room (he had been with the baby) and he showed me pictures of our son but it still didn't seem quite real.  About 15 minutes later, my little boy was brought into the room.  I felt a little alarmed that I did not have the same reaction to him as I did to Lillian.  I didn't remember him being born and he was already over an hour old.  He had never met me.  He spent the first hour of his life with doctors and nurses poking and prodding him.  Would he know who I was?  I actually felt slightly reluctant to hold him.  What if he didn't like me?  Dean took him out of the basinet and placed him in my very shakey arms.  He looked at me, I looked at him..... I was in love.

We had to stay in the hospital for three days which nearly drove me nuts.  On the last night, I broke down.  I was angry.  I was angry that I had been sliced open and now had a long recovery ahead of me.  I was angry that I couldn't pick up Lillian for at least four weeks.  I was angry that I had to sit around and not do anything.  I was angry that I couldn't drive.  After Lillian was born, Dean and I went on lots of little outings the first few weeks.  We loved going on walks and we would fight over who got to push the stroller.  Now, I had to sit around on my behind, depending on everyone else.  The worst part is when Lillian calls my name and I am unable to get up and go to her.  Or when she cries for me to pick her up and all I can do is stand there and tell her that I love her but I can't hold her.  My heart wants to scream.  I can handle not having a clean kitchen or having to depend on my mom to do my laundry but I cannot handle not being able to care for my child.  And, to make matters worse, she is having a very difficult time with it too.  A week ago I had a pretty well behaved little girl.  For the most part she listened well and her and I had lots of fun together.  Now, I sit on the couch while I watch her have temper tantrum after temper tantrum and poor Dean doesn't know what to do.  Honestly, I don't know what to do either.  Her world has been turned upside down.  The mom that she had 24/7 is now unable to play with her but is able to spend day and night with the new baby.  I'm pretty sure both her and my hearts are broken.  However, I know this is temporary.  I know that four weeks will go by pretty quickly and I'll be able to hold her and love her the way that we both need.  We just have to make it through this time, without wishing it away.  Our little boy will never be a newborn again.  This is his first month of life and I don't want to spend it by wishing it away.  How many ways can one heart be pulled?