Guilt

I have realized that I never knew what guilt was until I had kids.  It seems like I have felt consistently guilty for weeks now.  Now that Timothy is here I have not had as much time to spend with Lillian and I feel like I am always telling her to wait.  I'm either doing laundry, making a meal, changing a diaper, feeding the baby, or trying to drink a cup of coffee.  I wish I had more time to spend with her.  Then I realized something.  Lillian doesn't really care what she does with me, she just wants to do something with me.  So, I have had to push my clean-freak and control-freak tendencies aside and let my little girl help me out.  She wants so badly to help me cook, clean, and take care of Timothy.  So what if the laundry is folded funny or she gets sauce on her clothes while she helps me cook?  Why have things like that always been a big deal to me.  So what if she brings downstairs toys upstairs?  Wow, I really am a control freak because even saying that makes my skin crawl.  It is not time to be a control-freak when you have small kids.  I need to start letting Lillian do more and help more so that she feels like she is part of our family.  A few weeks ago I said something to Lillian and I realized that I was beginning to feel like she was getting in the way.  If I felt like that, imagine how she felt!  It was probably one of the worst moments of my life when I realized that.  So, I am resolved to let my house be a bit messy, let my clothes wrinkle, and not worry whether Lillian is getting dirty while she eats or plays.  My kid is SO much more important to me than any of those things and I do not want to look back at my life and realize that I had a very clean house but it was at the expense of time with my kids.  No sirree, I am a mom first and a maid second ;)  So, if you come for a visit at my house in the future, it will be messy and I will make no apologies because my kids will be happy and loved.

I'll Admit It

My second child is a boy.  I didn't realize how much I thought it was going to be a girl until my baby was four weeks old and I saw a woman with two little girls and I was jealous.  Not just a little jealous.  I felt like something I had dreamed about was taken away from me.  I am from a family of three girls and I guess I just always thought that I would have all girls as well.  I didn't.  When my little boy was six weeks old I still wasn't over the shock.  I started to feel very nervous because I was still having a difficult time with the fact that my baby was a boy.  Yep, I'm a terrible mother.  But then it happened.  I was rocking my little boy to sleep last week and I looked at him and realized that I am madly in love with him.  Not just a little in love, madly in love.  And, I love the fact that he is a boy.  I love absolutely everything about him.  I will admit that it took a while, and I am ashamed of that, but there is no way that I would change anything about my kids.  I love my big girl and I love my little boy just as much.

Saying Goodbye

Twenty three years ago I walked into my grade one classroom and met a cute little girl who, unknown to me, would become one of my very best friends.  Today I spent the evening with that cutie (who is now a beautiful woman) and another great friend.  We went out for dinner and ended up spending over four hours talking.  We talked about our lives, our kids, our husbands, and anything else we could think of.  It was a night I don't think I will ever forget because we talked about things I have never talked about with anyone else.  I realized tonight that one of the greatest blessings in my life are these two friends.  We have all know eachother for over two decades.  That cute little girl and I went to school together, got married around the same time, had kids around the same time (our daughters are only 4 days apart) and bought minivans around the same time ;) The other friend and I have had similar experiences together.  There are no other people in the world that I can be as honest and vulnerable with.  There are few people that I have laughed with like I have laughed with these two.

That cute little girl is now moving away.  Two provinces away.  Three years ago she moved only five minutes from my house.  That fall we went on numerous walks to try and induce labour.  She had her baby on a Saturday and I had mine the following Wednesday in the same hospital.  Our houses were so close that our little girls were going to be in the same elementary school just like their mommies.  My little girl loves her kids.  She talks about them and often asks if we can go play with them.  This week I told her that her friends are moving away and we wont be able to play with them very often.  She seemed ok with the idea but I'm not.  I know the first time she asks if we can play with them after they move I will break down into tears.  She may not understand it yet, but it's hard to watch friends move away.  I know we will always keep in touch and visit one another, but it's not the same.  That's why tonight was so special.  I am going to miss having my wonderful friend so close by but I feel so blessed to have her in my life, no matter where she lives.

Perspective

I feel like I have spent the last five weeks complaining.  I'm not getting enough sleep, my c-section incision is sore, my toddler is having temper tantrums, my husband is not helping as much as I would like him to, my mom is out of town all month.... The list could go on and on.  A few days ago I felt like I hit a brick wall.  A family that we know of was on vacation and their 5 year old fell in the pool.  She was revived but unresponsive.  This morning, she died.  Sleep, c-section, tantrums.... all seem insignificant.  I am awake at night with my baby who is healthy, growing and in my arms.  I have a wound in my midsection that is there because doctors were able to intervene to save my baby and I.  My toddler's temper tantrums can be dealt with... she is healthy and I can hold her whenever I want. Today my problems are beginning to feel like blessings and out there a mother is grieving and I'm sure she would gladly take my problems over the unimaginable grief that she is facing.  My prayer today is peace for a grieving family and a hope that we continue to look at our "problems" as blessings.  Please join your prayers with ours so that we can stand together alongside a family who could really use them right now.