Guilt

I have realized that I never knew what guilt was until I had kids.  It seems like I have felt consistently guilty for weeks now.  Now that Timothy is here I have not had as much time to spend with Lillian and I feel like I am always telling her to wait.  I'm either doing laundry, making a meal, changing a diaper, feeding the baby, or trying to drink a cup of coffee.  I wish I had more time to spend with her.  Then I realized something.  Lillian doesn't really care what she does with me, she just wants to do something with me.  So, I have had to push my clean-freak and control-freak tendencies aside and let my little girl help me out.  She wants so badly to help me cook, clean, and take care of Timothy.  So what if the laundry is folded funny or she gets sauce on her clothes while she helps me cook?  Why have things like that always been a big deal to me.  So what if she brings downstairs toys upstairs?  Wow, I really am a control freak because even saying that makes my skin crawl.  It is not time to be a control-freak when you have small kids.  I need to start letting Lillian do more and help more so that she feels like she is part of our family.  A few weeks ago I said something to Lillian and I realized that I was beginning to feel like she was getting in the way.  If I felt like that, imagine how she felt!  It was probably one of the worst moments of my life when I realized that.  So, I am resolved to let my house be a bit messy, let my clothes wrinkle, and not worry whether Lillian is getting dirty while she eats or plays.  My kid is SO much more important to me than any of those things and I do not want to look back at my life and realize that I had a very clean house but it was at the expense of time with my kids.  No sirree, I am a mom first and a maid second ;)  So, if you come for a visit at my house in the future, it will be messy and I will make no apologies because my kids will be happy and loved.