So, I quit. Yep, I am officially finished breastfeeding. I apologize to anyone out there who may find this post a little awkward or too personal...... I suggest you just stop reading. After 10 weeks of feeding my baby 7-8 times a day in pain, I quit. I really did give it a valiant effort. I fought through pain so bad that I almost passed out, I saw the health nurse four times, I saw the lactation consultant 6 times, I went to the breastfeeding clinic for several weeks, I tried medication, I tried creams, I tried experimental creams, I dyed my nipples purple and nothing ever helped. I was so determined to make breastfeeding work this time around but once again, I failed after only two months. I know there are women out there who will tell me that I did my best and I pushed through a lot of pain and that there is no shame in switching to formula, but I still feel like a failure. Why is it so easy for some women and how do some women get past the pain? What on earth does it feel like to breastfeed your baby without pain?
On Saturday morning I woke up for the 5th time in 10 hours to nurse my baby and I finally just cried. The thought of fighting through more pain was just too much. I looked at my husband and said "I'm done" and he looked back and me and said "ok". Then we went and bought formula. I thought I would feel relieved. I thought that once I decided to quit breastfeeding I would embrace my decision and be proud of myself for all the hard work I put in over the last two months. But, I don't. It's been four days since I made that decision and it still haunts me. My body is slowly realizing that there is no longer a baby needing milk from his mother and it's slowly depleting its supply. But every time I think that maybe I shouldn't have given up, my body kicks in and gets ready to feed a baby. How on earth am I supposed to feel good about my decision when it feels like my body doesn't want to quit? Will I ever feel good about this decision? If I kept on going would the pain eventually get better? What if I keep fighting and months down the road I am still miserable and in pain? There are no answers to my questions so until my body finishes depleting its supply I fear that I will have to live in this land of limbo where I hold back tears while I question my decision a hundred times a day.
All of you mothers out there who are able to breastfeed, feel blessed.
I agree wholeheartedly with your last statement!
ReplyDeletePerhaps it doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" thing, though. You've probably thought of this, but maybe you could just nurse him once or twice a day (since you still have milk to do it) and see if that's any better. I had to wean Emmett quite slowly (otherwise I would've burst), and I actually kept one before-bed feeding for about a week and a half before completely stopping. It had more to do with the fact that we went on vacation and I didn't want to make a change while we were away, but I found that it wasn't quite as painful when I was just doing it once a day.
I hope you can feel at peace about your decision, if not now at least some time in the future.
Nancy, I totally know how you feel. I lasted just up to the 2 month mark with Levi and I finally gave up. I remember the day pretty vividly, because I was in so much pain from plugged ducts that I could not lift either of the boys and I was home alone...I remember wanting to close myself in a room for day and leave them both by themselves...how awful I feel not for feeling that way! And I too, lived with regret for the first week or so...and then I realized how much better life was...I enjoyed Levi so much more because he wasn't associated with pain. I love the bottle!
ReplyDelete