I don't want my kids to be like me.

Some people want their kids to be like them.  I do not.  As the years have gone by more and more of my faults have come into plain view.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a bad person, nor do I wallow at who I have become.  I consider myself very blessed that God is merciful and He is still working on me.  I do have some good traits but, truth be told, I am a serious work in progress.  I had coffee with a very good friend a few weeks ago and I confessed to her how I have allowed myself to go about life expecting happiness.  One thing I have learned is that there is a difference between happiness and joy.  I wanted happiness which, to me, meant getting along with my husband, being a suzie homemaker, having my kids behave, getting ahead in life financially and doing things that I like to do.  Please do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those things. What was wrong was that I got upset if those things did not happen.  A few weeks ago I had a conversation with some members of my family about heaven.  My dad (who is turning 70 next month) began telling us that he has been doing some serious thinking about death.  He is realizing that, even if he has many good years, death is approaching him.  I was very uncomfortable with that conversation until we got a bit deeper into it.  Death is reality.  If I really believe what I say that I believe, death should not make me uncomfortable.  Death is the end of life on this earth but it is the beginning of life with God.  Hmmmm, if heaven is all about angels playing harp music, opera sounding background voices, white robes and clouds, then I'm not so sure how I'm supposed to be excited about it.  Lucky for us, that's not what heaven is.  If I were to answer honestly, I don't really all that much about what heaven is going to be like but I have seen the faces of people who really, truly know God and how their eyes dance with a joy that flows from so deep within their soul.  My eyes don't do that.  That is why I don't want my kids to be like me.  However, God and I are doing some construction on my soul and hopefully one day my eyes can dance and radiate Gods love for my kids to see.  I am working of being "joyful in all circumstances".  I desperately want my kids to watch me face tough circumstances with a joy that is real.  I want to live like heaven is just around the corner.  I suppose it is.  Life is unpredictable.  What would my life look like if I lived with heaven as my goal?  What if I enjoyed all the wonderful things that life offers but instead of my life's goal being a dream house/a vacation/a large RRSP/ etc.... really living with my goal being heaven and bringing as many people with me as I possibly can.  What would my life look like then?  I'm not entirely sure, but I can tell you this.... if I could really live like that, then I would want my kids to be like me.