Change

I thought I would start a blog for two reasons.  One, I think it may be somewhat theraputic to be able to put my thoughts out there instead of just bottling them inside.  Two, I hope that perhaps I might be able to help other moms realize that what they are going through and what they are feeling is normal (now this is assuming that I am a "normal" person).

When Dean and I decided to have a second child it seemed like a great idea.  Lillian was almost two and we thought that giving her a brother or sister would be a great addition to her life as well as ours.  Both Dean and I have sibblings so having more than one child seemed like the natual thing to do.  Well, as the months passed we began to get more and more excited about our new additon to the family but it still seemed like his or her arrival was a long ways away.  I decided to get everything ready a month in advance of my due date so that I could spend the last month of my pregnancy hanging out with Lillian and giving her a fun last month of being an only child.  To be honest, part of my heart breaks when I think about Lillian becoming a big sister.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's going to be great for her, but she was my very first baby.  She still seems so small and I just want to hold her like a baby, sit in the rocking chair, and somehow slow down time.  But, she is no longer a baby, she's a big sister.  She will, of course, always be MY baby, no matter how old she is or how many babies come into our family.  When I look at her I think of a tough pregnancy with several scary moments, I think of a long labour and hours spent pacing the nursery in the middle of the night with her screaming in my arms.  I also think about holding her for the first time, I think about how she smelled, how she felt and how she was ours.  A perfect combination of Dean and I. 

I know that the moment I meet our new baby I will be as much in love with him or her as I am with Lillian but, it's hard to imagine.  Lillian has changed me.  She has made me learn to love in a completely different way then I ever had before.  She has made me learn to appreciate Dean and how much he loves us.  She has brought so many smiles, so many moments of awe, and so much joy.  I will never love any word as much as I love hearing her say "Mommy".

So, this new baby has a lot to live up to but somehow I think he or she will captivate my heart just as quickly and effortlessly as Lillian did.