My Heart

Well, it has been a week since I was pregnant.  Just for the record, being pregnant was much easier than what I've got going on now, but it wasn't nearly as amazing.  Our new little addition is a wonderful, healthy little boy.  He had a very rough time getting into the world (so much for my quick, pain free labour) but he is a very healthy little guy who has found his place in our hearts.  When I had Lillian, she came out and I immediately got to hold her.  I remember being completely in love with her the second I saw her.  I held her and couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her.  This time around, I ended up having an emergency c-section and I was put under.  I regained conscienceness about an hour and a half later.  I found myself in a room with two nurses.  They told me that I had a little baby boy.  I didn't believe them.  Apparently, I thought I was having another girl.  A few minutes later Dean came into the room (he had been with the baby) and he showed me pictures of our son but it still didn't seem quite real.  About 15 minutes later, my little boy was brought into the room.  I felt a little alarmed that I did not have the same reaction to him as I did to Lillian.  I didn't remember him being born and he was already over an hour old.  He had never met me.  He spent the first hour of his life with doctors and nurses poking and prodding him.  Would he know who I was?  I actually felt slightly reluctant to hold him.  What if he didn't like me?  Dean took him out of the basinet and placed him in my very shakey arms.  He looked at me, I looked at him..... I was in love.

We had to stay in the hospital for three days which nearly drove me nuts.  On the last night, I broke down.  I was angry.  I was angry that I had been sliced open and now had a long recovery ahead of me.  I was angry that I couldn't pick up Lillian for at least four weeks.  I was angry that I had to sit around and not do anything.  I was angry that I couldn't drive.  After Lillian was born, Dean and I went on lots of little outings the first few weeks.  We loved going on walks and we would fight over who got to push the stroller.  Now, I had to sit around on my behind, depending on everyone else.  The worst part is when Lillian calls my name and I am unable to get up and go to her.  Or when she cries for me to pick her up and all I can do is stand there and tell her that I love her but I can't hold her.  My heart wants to scream.  I can handle not having a clean kitchen or having to depend on my mom to do my laundry but I cannot handle not being able to care for my child.  And, to make matters worse, she is having a very difficult time with it too.  A week ago I had a pretty well behaved little girl.  For the most part she listened well and her and I had lots of fun together.  Now, I sit on the couch while I watch her have temper tantrum after temper tantrum and poor Dean doesn't know what to do.  Honestly, I don't know what to do either.  Her world has been turned upside down.  The mom that she had 24/7 is now unable to play with her but is able to spend day and night with the new baby.  I'm pretty sure both her and my hearts are broken.  However, I know this is temporary.  I know that four weeks will go by pretty quickly and I'll be able to hold her and love her the way that we both need.  We just have to make it through this time, without wishing it away.  Our little boy will never be a newborn again.  This is his first month of life and I don't want to spend it by wishing it away.  How many ways can one heart be pulled?