Then and Now

I had an interesting thought today..... at least it was interesting to me.  Those of you who follow me on facebook will know that I have been obsessing about my 30th birthday that occurred over the weekend.  I have come to terms about leaving my 20's.  It wasn't that I thought 30 was old or that I thought I would feel different, it was just that my 20's really were very good to me.  In my 20's I met my husband, bought our first house, got my Commerce degree, got married, got my first real "grow up" job, went back to school and got my Education degree, bought our second (and current) house, brought my baby girl home to that house, bought a minivan, and brought my baby boy home to that house as well.  In my 20's I became a university graduate, a wife, and a mother.  I learnt to be comfortable in my own skin.  I laughed a lot and cried a lot.  I grew up.

On my birthday I began to think about where I was when I entered my 20's.  I was living across the world, literally, in Australia.  After a horrible few weeks of homesickness I began to settle in.  I began to get to know my wonderful roommate (Nat, you really were wonderful!). I began attending an AMAZING church that I would never have left except that the commute every Sunday from Canada would have been way too difficult ;)  The people always greeted me with such love and enthusiasm that it felt like my home.  I also began my classes at Deakin University and got to know a wonderful man (also from my church) who led the Christian group on campus and always kept an eye out for me (thanks, Daniel!).  I began making friends and then two months into my Australian adventure I celebrated my 20th birthday.  I remember a group of friends surprised me at a restaurant.  It was a loving gesture that I really needed.  They took me to a restaurant that served breakfast.  This sounds strange but in Australia they did not mix sweet and savoury for breakfast.  My friends thought it was super strange that we would have pancakes and eggs on the same plate.  They felt like they had to try it so they took me to this restaurant.  I don't remember what I ordered nor do I remember the name of the restaurant or what most of the conversation was about.  I just remember feeling very loved after a period of time when I felt so alone in a strange country.  None of them probably know the impact that evening had on me but they made me feel loved at a point in my life when I really needed it. 

When I woke up on my birthday this past weekend I woke up to my little girl determined to give me my birthday present even though it was not even 7AM.  My husband took care of the kids and let me sleep in (after I opened my present).  We spent the day with family and friends and I ended the day sitting comfortably on the couch with my husband.  I think I am pretty lucky to continually begin new decades of my life feeling loved.

This has been quite the month!

Oh my.  Do you ever have those days where you sit down and the end of it and wonder how you are still sane?  Have you ever had an entire week like that?  How about a month?  Something strange has happened in our house since the beginning of August and I am going to blame it on my good friend Laura who had the nerve to, not only get married, but to have a super fun wedding.  I know that sounds strange but I'm only half joking.  I am SUPER excited for my good friend who just married a man she has been waiting for 30 years to meet but somehow our family got swept up in the excitement a little more than we realised.  My hubby and I were both very honoured to be asked to be in the bridal party and L could not have been any more excited about being a flower girl.  We all looked forward to the day for months and the week leading up to the wedding was busy and lots of fun as we met and spent time with the rest of the bridal party and all the out of town relatives that we have heard so much about but had not had the chance to meet before that week.  The bride and groom did an amazing job of entertaining the out of town guests (our family may have been the one exception to the "out of town" part) and giving everyone a chance to hang out and become friends.  Seriously, us bridesmaids had so much fun that we have considered having a reunion.  The wedding day was very laid back and exciting.  I loved walking down the aisle to my husband (who would have thought I would get the chance to do that again??) and I beamed as L bravely walked down the aisle, took one step onto the stage, and fell right on her face only to pop up and excitedly say, "I did it!!".  I loved watching her smile for the camera and twirl around in the grassy field with the bride.  I loved how my mom picked her up from the pictures so that the rest of the bridal party could continue on without a board little flower girl.  I loved being dressed up and fancy alongside my handsome husband.  I loved chatting with friends and dancing for hours.  I loved going home with my husband to an empty house (the kids were sleeping over at my sisters house!!) and I loved waking up to the sound of the birds instead of the sound of a crying baby.  I loved it all. 

Photo by Jennifer Lee (she was amazing!)

That's when things got tough.  After that day I had to pick up my kids, clean up my house, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, cook meals, discipline children, deal with poopy underwear, and the list goes on and on.  Now, before I go on, I really do love my life.  I love being a mom.  I love being able to stay home with my kids and on most days I really don't mind the day to day chores but after having a night of "freedom" I realised that perhaps my life had become too much about my kids and my house.  Somewhere in all my blessings I had actually lost something.  Myself.  I realised that if I wasn't a mom, I didn't know who I was.  I will always be my kids' mom.  I consider it an honour and a privilege and I will forever be grateful for those two little ones.  I love playing with them, I love the sleepy look on their faces first thing in the morning, I love watching them discover new things, I love listening to the funny things L observes throughout her day and I look forward to all the discoveries I will make with them in the years to come.  I love being a mom..... but sometimes, I feel like I miss being me.  At first I thought theses were just selfish feelings but as I thought about them some more I realised that God created Nancy.  He didn't create L and T's mom, he didn't create the preschool fundraiser, he didn't create the WM coordinator..... he created Nancy.  I may do those other things but I do them because God created me with the skills and abilities to do them and I choose to do those things but I am not defined by those things.  I am defined by a creator who does not make mistakes.  I am made by a God who has all wisdom and all knowledge.  When he created me he looked at me and thought "it is good".  So, I have decided that, starting now, in the midst of my busy but blessed life, I am going to take some time to be Nancy.  And, I've decided that is not a selfish thing to do.

My Weekly Pintrest Roundup

For a long time I fought the pressure to join Pintrest.  Finally, and inevitably, a few months ago I caved and joined.  Now, I am obsessed with doing something with all the things I've been "pinning".  So, I decided to do a weekly blog roundup of my projects inspired by Pintrest.  Some turned out really great and some made me want to pull my hair out and scream..... I may have actually done the screaming part.  So, without further ado, I give you my Pintrest Weekly Roundup....

These little "burgers and fries" were a huge hit with my nieces and nephews (as well as with a few adults).  They were super cute and very yummy.  The bun is a cupcake cut in half and the burger is a brownie.  The ketchup is made out of butter cream icing and the fries are sugar cookies.  Yumm!  My red ketchup did not turn out super well because I ran out of colour paste so it's a bit pink.  I was kind of in a hurry as well so I left off the yellow mustard icing and the green lettuce icing.  The website where I found these was awesome because she had free printables to make the little baskets to put the burger and fries in (you can't really see them in this picture) which made it even more cute.  You can see the VERY nice original version here.

Some of you probably heard me rant about Jello cookies.  These are them.  SOOOO good..... if you like Jello.  If you don't like that super tasty fake fruit flavour created by Jello then these are probably not the cookies for you.  If you do love that taste then imagine Jello slamming into ultra yummy buttery sugar cookies.  Addicting!  Here's the recipe.

I brought these Strawberry Lemonade Bars to our preschool board meeting this week.  I was surprised how quick and easy they were to make.  Even my husband, who does not eat most baking, enjoyed these.  He lit up when I came home with a few still on the plate.  They are a very summery tasting square and they are a nice alternative to squares that almost always contain chocolate (not that I mind chocolate squares!).

                                                 

This is not a picture of the Can of Dates I made but I realised that I never did take a picture of mine.  Recently I planned a wedding shower for a close friend of mine and this site inspired me to have the ladies at the shower help create a Can of Dates for the bride-to-be.  At every table there was a stack of scrapbook paper cut into squares.  The ladies were each instructed to write on the back of the cute paper a date idea for the couple.  At the end of the evening I collected all the papers and put them in a glass canister I found at the dollarstore.  I put a cute little label on the canister and gave it to the bride-to-be at the end of the evening.  There were some really great ideas that came in and it was a big hit with the bride.

One of L's preschool teachers retired this year so all the kids were asked to contribute one page to create a little going away book for her.  I am such a sucker for anything that involves hand prints or footprints and I have so many art projects with prints pinned that I just had to try one out.  L loved helping to make this.  To ensure that the prints did not come out too goopy, I decided to use a paintbrush to cover L's feet with the paint.  She laughed and laughed as I was painting.  I'm not sure if the laughter was caused by tickling or if she just thought it was so silly that I would paint her feet with a brush.  By using the paintbrush to apply the paint we were also able to give the "flower" portion of the picture two colours.  It turned out super cute and I just wish that I had made one for us to keep.  My inspiration came from here.

This was the project that made me scream.  SOOOO frustrating!  It was a good thing they turned out quite nice.  These were an end of the year gift for L's preschool teachers.  Theoretically, it's an easy project.  All you do is wrap a glass vase with pencils and tie them up with a ribbon. *#!?.  It's not that easy.  I put some hockey tape around the vases and then put some Gorilla Glue on the tape to stick the pencils to.  I thought this was a good idea because when they got sick of the pencils they could just pull them off, take off the tape and use the vase without having to scrape glue off of it.  I still think that was a good idea but getting over 30 pencils to stand upright at the same time is NOT an easy task.  After I got a hold of my temper I figured out a smart way to do the second vase.  One day I will have to put a tutorial on this blog to help anyone else who tries to do this project.  Luckily, her teachers really liked their gifts and L was very proud to give it to them.  The beautiful peonie flowers are from our garden and opened up just the day before we needed them, thankfully :)  Oh, and credit for this idea must go here.

Well, I think that may be enough Pintrest plugs for now.  Needless to say, I am really enjoying all the things I am finding and I'm sure this will not be my last Pintrest Roundup :)

Quirky Kid

I am not sure what to think of my little son.  Don't get me wrong, I love him and think he is the greatest little guy in the whole world.  He makes me laugh at his funny little walk, he makes my heart melt when he comes to me frequently throughout the day for little snuggles, and he makes me cringe when he eats the bar of soap in the bathtub.  However, he has one little quirk that I just don't know what to think of.  When he was a baby, loud noises seemed to really bother him.  I didn't think much of it since he was so little and I figured he would eventually grow out of it.  I know that there are lots of kids afraid of the vacuum cleaner or blender but my little boy seems to be a little bit more extreme with the things that frighten him. For example, the other day someone started mowing their lawn during our dinner time.  The patio door was open so we could hear it in our house.  T absolutely lost it.  Now, I should clarify that the mower was far away, I would say almost a block but apparently that was not far enough for our little scaredy cat.  It was a beautiful summer evening and I had to go close all the windows in the house to block out the sound so he would calm down.  Now imagine what the vacuum and blender do to him.  I have to vacuum the entire house while holding his 22lb body that is trying to scurry up my arms onto my head, the farthest point from the vacuum.  When I blow dry my hair he sits on the floor with tears streaming down his little face.  Lucky for him I have super thin hair and it drys quite quickly.  Then there is his excited sister who occasionally lets out a high pitched excited boy-band-groupie screech.  That just about causes T to loose his mind. 

I thought this phobia was limited to sounds until today.  I set up a little tent for the kids that has a tunnel coming out the side of it.  T will have nothing to do with the tent, nor the tunnel.  I don't know if it's because he doesn't know who or what might be in it or if he is just unsure as to where the tunnel leads but we cannot get him in it.  I thought it would be fun to climb through the tunnel to show him that I come out the other end.  As soon as my head disappeared into the tunnel T lost his marbles (even though my entire back end was still hanging out.... it's a tunnel for kids).  He screamed like a crazy person until I came out the other side, which took quite a long time since I really didn't fit in the tunnel and I got stuck which caused me to have to stand up (tunnel still attached to me) and shimmy out of the silly thing. 

I guess these are just strange little quirks that we either wait for him to grow out of or we simply just warn his future wife.  I just hope I don't have to carry him around while I vacuum until he moves out or, worse yet, I hope his wife doesn't have to carry him around while she vacuums!

Picture by Tammy Engel Photography

I am not the best mom :(

Over the last few weeks I have not been feeling like the best mom in the world..... yes, I do have some pretty amazing days where I think perhaps I may be the best mom in the world but then the next day arrives and I am deeply humbled by something that occurs.  Whether it's one of my kids throwing themselves on the ground in a temper tantrum in public, or L teaching a smaller kid some of her bad habits, or L asking loudly "Is that a man or a woman?" in the grocery store, whatever it is, I never feel like a super mom for very long.  Over the past few weeks L has been going through a "phase", as us mothers like to call it.  She went from being a pretty good listener to not listening at all.  Not only does she not listen, but she has learned the art of talking back.  If you know me at all you will know that nothing gets me angrier than a kid talking back to me.  Whether it happens in a classroom with someone elses kid or whether it happens at home with my own kid, it makes me livid.  My first reaction is to put them promptly in their place however, this is usually not the best course of action with a small child.  So, my approach with L has been to simply pick her up, place her in her bedroom and calmly tell her that if she cannot talk nicely and be a good listener then she cannot play with the rest of the family.  This sometimes works and she stays in her room and comes out a while later calm and collected and begins listening pretty well.  Other times, this results in a full out temper tantrum where I have to stand in the hallway holding her door shut for over half an hour. Sigh.  In addition to all of this my sweet little boy is beginning to have moments where he is not so sweet.  He has discovered temper tantrums..... hmmm, I wonder where he learned those?  The nice thing is that he knows what he wants which is a pretty good quality to have and I'm hoping that once he has some words and is able to actually communicate through more then just gestures and screams then the temper may fizzle out a little.  Hope.

We seem to be slowly emerging from this "phase" but even through it there have been many moments when I think, "Ok, maybe we are doing something right".  When L sees a car accident she immediatley asks if she can pray for the people in the cars.  When we are at the grocery store she often suggests that we should buy some extra to give to someone who doesn't have any food to eat.  When she goes to the playgound and encounters another little girl she says, "Hi, my name is L.  Do you want to play with me?" And then there is T.  He is always ready for a giggle.  If one of us starts laughing, he will join right in.  When he climbs onto the dining room table without me seeing he grins from ear to ear when I find him.  When he finally gets ahold of the computer mouse, after trying all day long, he smiles proudly and hands it back over to me without being asked.

So, maybe I'm not the world's best mom........ ok, I'll admit that I am definately not the world's best mom...... but I am trying to be the best mom I can be.  Some days are great, some are awful.  My kids know I am not perfect but they also know that I love them, that I am not afraid to say sorry when I mess up, and that I need God's help, grace, and mercy every single day.  I got some wonderful advice from a book I read recently called Making Children Mind Without Loosing Yours by Kevin Leman.  He talks about the importance of having real prayer time with your kids.  He encourages parents to let their kids hear them ask God for help with their weaknesses.  Every night L hears me pray, "God, help Mommy to know how to love and teach L and T.  When I do things that are wrong help me to know how to make them right.  Help me love them like you love do.  Give Mommy wisdom and patience because I cannot be a good mommy without you.  Amen."
I mean every word of that prayer.

Our Palm Springs Vacation

We were so blessed this year to be able to go on a warm vacation.  When Dean and I made the decision for me to stay at home with the kids we knew we would have to give up many things..... vacations were on that list.  The last few winters my parents have started going away to a warm location and renting a house for a month.  This year they allowed us to stay with them in Palm Springs for 10 days.  Since they graciously pay for the accommodations and we were able to use Airmiles for our rental car, all we had to pay for were the flights..... and T can still fly for free!  We were so excited to be able to get away.  We did not think we would be going on any big family holidays until I went back to work after the kids were in school.  But, we were very happy to find ourselves in sunny Palm Springs this year :)

The weather was amazing!  Sunny and warm every single day.  We didn't see a drop of rain the entire time we were there.  Staying in the house made the vacation very doable with two little kids.  They had their own room!  They did a great job of sharing a room together and it was really nice for Dean and I to have a room to ourselves.  The house had its own pool which L really enjoyed.  She jumped in the first day and then she was a fish for the rest of the week.  Now that she is older and pretty confident in the water she is happy to swim by herself (with water wings) and I don't always have to be in the pool.  Plus, the pool had a great shallow end where she could walk around with water only to her waist.  Then there was the hut tub.  The pool was a hit but the hot tub won gold ;)  Both kids loved the warm water, especially cause Grandma was always willing to go in with them.  Grandma is not really a cold water person.... which is putting it pretty mild. lol.

We usually spent the mornings sightseeing or shopping (more on that in future posts) and the afternoon was spent by the pool while T had a nice long nap.  Then........ wait for it........ my mom cooked us supper every night.  Sigh.  I was more than happy to clean up the kitchen after she cooked.  After eight years of cooking and cleaning up every meal, there was nothing I appreciated more than my mom's cooking for an entire week.  I know I may be sounding a bit dramatic, but you have no idea how much I enjoy my mom's cooking :)  The second best thing to a week of her cooking was that in the evenings my mom would put the kids to bed and Dean and I could go out...... by ourselves...... in the evening!  That doesn't happen very often these days.  Dean and I took advantage of that and went to the evening street fair, the Cheesecake Factory, or sat outside in the hot tub with a bowl of popcorn and glass of wine.  Yep, best vacation ever.

The Best Purchase of Our Holiday

We didn't do much shopping while we were on our vacation last week since neither my mom nor I are big shoppers but we did get to a few stores.  One place I was determined to get to was Target.  They have a line of kids clothes there called Circo and it's made by Carter's especially for Target stores.  I love it because it's really cute and because it is dirt cheap.  I bought both the kids shirts and shorts and I never payed over $5 for any item.  Love.  My best find, however, was two movies.  Usually I do not buy movies but I was so excited when I found some Strawberry Shortcake ones.  The old Strawberry Shortcake movies.  I loved Strawberry Shortcake as a kid and I was so excited when L started getting into it too.  The dolls and figurines smell soooooo yummy.  I don't know what they do to make them smell so good (probably some crazy cancer causing ingredient) but both L and I could sit and sniff those things for a long time.  Yes, I realise that is strange.  Anyway, moving on, I have watched a couple of episodes of the new Strawberry Shortcake show with L and I have been pretty disappointed.  While there is nothing really wrong with the content of the show I feel like the characters act a little too grown up.  Call me old fashioned if you like but I don't like the attitudes of those little (let strangely large headed) girls.  They act a bit like "teeny boppers".  L is only three and I don't need her starting to develop an attitude any time soon.  I found this very disappointing and I don't really want her to watch the show, at least not yet.  A few months ago my sister passed on an old Strawberry Shortcake movie to us and L and I both really enjoyed it.  It has a fun educational storyline and the little girls act like little girls.  After I watched it with L I went online to see if I could find any to buy.  Well, being as cheap as I am, I wasn't willing to pay what they were asking for the movies to L just had to be content with the toys and colouring books we had.  But then, at the Target in Palm Springs I found a few old Strawberry Shortcake movies for $5.  People around me probably thought I overreacted a bit but I was so excited to find them!  L is loving her new movies especially because one is about baking and the other is about dressing us which happen to be two of L's favourite things.  I may be overreacting about the new Strawberry Shortcake show but I take my job as L's mom very seriously.  It's my job to teach her love, responsibility and respect for others.  I don't need a cute little TV show muddying the waters.

Airplane Adventures

Today when I walked in the door of my house I have never felt so excited to be home.  We had a wonderful vacation with my parents in Palm Springs (more on that another time) but we did not have much luck with airplane travel.  On the way down to Palm Springs we did catch both our planes on time and our baggage all arrived with us.  We had to connect through Denver to get to our final destination.  Our flight to Denver went quite well.  L was a fantastic traveller!  She sat quietly and colored, read books, ate snacks and watched a few shows on my iphone.  T was a different story.  On our first flight he didn't cry or fuss but he also did not want to sit still, no matter how many new toys and snacks we gave him.  Oh well, we made it to Denver without much trouble.  Our flight from Denver to Palm Springs was later in the evening and T was tired.  He didn't know what to do with himself.  Finally he just started crying.  He screamed for about 5 minutes when I heard (actually the whole plane heard) a man two rows behind us scream, "Shut your f*****g baby up!"  I was ready to give that guy a piece of my mind.  Did he really think that if I could make T stop crying I would just choose to let him scream?!  After looking back and realizing how big that man was, I decided it was better for me to just keep my mouth shut.  Dean grabbed T and walked up to the front of the plane.  Luckily there were some nice grandpas sitting at the front and they played with T until he finally fell asleep quietly.  I was a little shaken up but then a whole bunch of people around us took turns telling us that they understood and it was no big deal, especially cause it was only 5 minutes.  God bless those people cause they sure helped this mother feel better :)  Once T was sleeping we had a nice quiet ride until landing.  The plane landed in 50mile an hour wind.  I have flown quite a lot but I have never had a landing like that.  Scary.  When the plane finally stopped applause broke out.  My parents met us at the airport and all feelings of that not so good plane ride disapeared and our wonderful vacation began.  Oh, and we found out later from the flight attendant that the man who yelled at me was drunk and on his way to rehab.  Sheesh.

As we all know, all good things must come to an end.  After spending the morning shopping and part of the afternoon sitting by the pool, we headed back to the airport 10 days after we had arrived.  We knew our flight was delayed but United was not telling how long the delay was.  It turned out that the delay was almost two hours.  We figured we would not be making our connection in Denver so I spoke to the United agents in Palm Springs and they booked us on a flight for the next day out of Denver in case we did not make our plane that evening.  Well, since everyone on board was connecting in Denver that plane flew fast.  Really fast.  I didn't know they could do that but they managed to shave almost a half hour off the length of the plane ride.  When we arrived in Denver we ran (I mean ran!) accross the airport just in time to watch our plane leave the gate.  Sigh.  The poor guy running with us was trying to make his connection because his wife was in labour.  Needless to say, he missed the birth of this son and he was mad.  Poor guy :(  It sucked missing that flight but I figured that we had another one reserved the next morning so it wasn't the end of the world.  When I arrived at customer service we discovered that the United agent in Palm Springs booked us on a flight two days later!  That's when I almost cried.  All the flights to Winnipeg the next day were booked solid.  So I tried getting connections from any airport.  Over an hour later (and kids melting down) we finally got tickets to Chicago in the morning and then we would connect to Winnipeg from there.  We then waited 20 minutes for the shuttle to our hotel to arrive (thankfully the airline covered that) and then took a half hour ride to the hotel.  We arrived at the hotel around 11:00 at night and the kids were loosing thier minds.  Once we were in our room L just passed out cold on the bed but T screamed and screamed and screamed.  That's when I finally cried.  I was supposed to be in my bed at home with my kids snuggled in their own rooms.  Instead I was in a hotel room with a screaming baby and no idea how to get him to sleep.  Finally Dean strapped on the Snuggly and took him for a walk.  Thankfully that worked.  I cried on the bed and finally fell asleep.

Early the next morning we woke the kids up and headed back to the airport.  We went through security and straight to the United customer service desk to see if there was any way we could get on the direct flight home.  By some miracle they found two seats available on the direct flight.  We took them.  I would rather take one flight with the kids by myself then have to deal with two more flights and a layover in Chicago.  The kids and I said goodbye to Dean (who was still going the route through Chicago) and headed for our gate since our plane was boarding soon.  I was almost at our gate when I realized that I had Dean's passport.  I turned around and ran with the kids through the airport swearing under my breath.  I found Dean (thankfully I knew his gate number) gave him his passport and then ran back through the airport to my gate.  I arrived sweating and out of breath with tired crying children, but I was on time.  As we were boarding the plane I just kept praying that God would help the last little bit of this journey to go well.  Thankfully, God knows when we cannot handle anymore.  L was an angel on the airplane and T played nicely with some plastic cups and the lovely lady accross the aisle and then fell quietly to sleep.  Somehow my iphone battery that was almost dead played a movie for L and lasted way longer than I ever thought it could.  We had a nice smooth landing in Winnipeg and then a lovely grandma on the plane stayed behind to help me get off the plane with the kids by carrying all my bags for me.  Then a nice man helped me unfold our stroller at the gate while another kind women held my baby for me.  We breezed through customs and my brother-in-law and niece picked us up at the airport in a van they borrowed from some other great friends who had car seats since ours were on route with Dean.  I have never felt so much relief walking into my house.  The kids and I had a nice afternoon walking to the store (it was over 20 degrees when we got home!) to buy milk and bread and then playing in the backyard with our favourite neighbours :)  My brother-in-law picked up Dean for me later in the day and one of our bags actually made it home with him!  After all the re-routing we were not expecting any of them to make it.  The airline borrowed us some carseats until they find ours.  Hopefully the carseats and our last piece of luggage make it home soon but at this point I don't care.  I'm just happy to be home to beautiful sunny Winnipeg with no more airplane rides in the forseeable future :)

The Story of My Birthday Boy

I am having a lot of difficulty comprehending where the last year has gone.  One year ago today Dean and I were blessed with our little baby boy and today we have a busy, energetic, happy one year old.  Even though he has already been with us an entire year he still seems new to me.  Perhaps that is because every day he is learning new things and surprising me with what he can now climb on to.  Or, perhaps it is because I am having trouble letting my baby turn into a toddler.  I have absolutely loved having a baby around our house this past year. 

Since today is all about our little T, I thought I would share the story about the day he was born.  My kids seem to feel the need to enter the world with a little drama ;)  Last year, on March 1, I waited all morning for a phone call from the hospital.  I was supposed to get induced..... finally.  I waited all morning and then finally ran out of patience early in the afternoon.  I called the hospital myself and was told that there was no room for me today and I would have to wait until tomorrow.  Grrrrr.  But then, around 5:00pm the hospital called back.  After confirming that it was me on the phone the lady on the other end said, "Would you like to have your baby tonight?" I hung up (after saying yes, of course) and immediately called Dean at work to get him to hightail it home.  After kissing L goodbye and sending her off with my mom, Dean and I finally arrived at the hospital at 7:00pm.  By 7:30ish they induced me with, what has become know in our house as "the gel".  This gel is supposed to help things move along naturally.  Typically, after administering "the gel" you stay in the hospital for about an hour to be monitored and then you get sent home and told to come back when you go into labour naturally (usually within a few hours).  I was super hungry at this point so Dean and I decided that when they sent us home we were going to go out and get something to eat.  Well,  I was 42 weeks pregnant and starving, so right after getting "the gel" I sent Dean to find a food court and bring me back some food.  He was gone for about 10 minutes when I realized that we were not going to be sent home.  I was having rather uncomfortable contractions every 3 or 4 minutes.  They got worse quite rapidly so I started texting Dean and telling him to get back to me.  The nurse came in, looked at my chart and said, "We will observe you a little longer and then you can go home".  I started at her in utter amazement...... how could a nurse, who worked on the labour and delivery floor not recognise a woman in labour.  By the time Dean got back I was sweating up a storm and had decided that I was too tired to have a baby today and that we should just come back tomorrow.  When he realized that contractions were coming every 2 minutes he very sweetly broke the news to me that going home was no longer an option.  Yes, I already knew that, but with every contraction that hit I was reminded of my labour with L that, to this day, I can only describe as horrific.  Even though I knew I was in pretty serious labour, we could not convince the nurse.  Finally another nurse came by, took one look at me and got things rolling to get me officially admitted.  About two hours after they put on "the gel" I finally got into a very nice private room.  I immediately met the nurse that was going to be with me during labour and she asked if I was thinking about having any pain relievers.  I told her that I wanted an epidural, NOW.  She gave me a look that said, "Ok there, you wuss".  I kidd you not, she really did.  Well, that looked was wiped right off her face after she hooked me up to the monitors and realized that my contractions were less than 30 seconds apart.  The anaesthesiologist was there withing five minutes and about 10 minutes later I happily realized that an epidural was going to work this time.  Hooray!!  This was the point where I became perfectly calm..... cause I couldn't feel a thing.

A few minutes later my doctor and her intern arrived in the room.  My nurse showed her the printout of my monitors and all three of them sat and stared for about five minutes.  This was the point when Dean and I knew everything was not alright.  The doctor calmly explained that since my body was reacting so aggressively to "the gel" which caused my labour to come on so fast and furious the baby wasn't having enough time during contractions to recover.  They broke my water trying to rinse out "the gel" but my body did not slow down the contractions.  Then they gave me angina medication to attempt to slow things down.  This also did not work.  So, my doctor told me that they were going to move me over to high risk so that I would be closer to the operating room, just in case.  Well, as soon as they wheeled my bed around the corner into high risk I saw my doctor in scrubs and a surgical cap.  At that point, I knew.  Then, instead of putting me in a high risk room, they put me right into the operating room with at least 15 other medical professionals.  It felt like chaos.  They continued to give me angina medication but it continued to do nothing but make me feel loopy.  Then they started to take blood samples from the baby's scalp (yes, he was still in me) to check his blood oxygen levels.  Then, in one last ditch effort, my doctor tried using a suction and had me push.  I was only 8cm but I pushed like there was no tomorrow.  I wanted that baby to come out.  The last few moments I remember involved my doctor throwing the suction on the floor and saying "We're done", I remember hearing someone telling Dean that he had to leave, and I remember someone telling me that they were going to take good care of me.  I remember feeling surprised (I really thought I was going to push that little sucker out) and confused.  Then....... I realized that I was feeling very very sleepy.  I looked up at the nurse next to me and said, "Are you putting me under??" Then, nothing. 

According to Dean, about 60 seconds later he heard our baby cry.  But, I wasn't there for that moment.  I was somewhere else for the next hour and a half.  I woke up in a big room with two nurses talking quietly at a desk nearby.  I could feel that I no longer had a baby in my belly, but I had no memory of it coming out.  I called the nurse and in a haze asked if I had my baby.  She told me that I did, indeed have a baby.  "Is he OK?" was my next question and all I really cared about.  Once she told me that my baby was fine then I found the nerve to ask, "Was it a boy or a girl?" She replied, "It was a boy." I remember hearing those words but not understanding.  I asked three more times and each time she responded, "Yes, he is a boy".  I was still not comprehending.  I was supposed to have a girl.  No one ever told me that but I was sure of it nonetheless.  I was going to put sweet little matching dresses on her an L and she was going to wear all those adorable little outfits that L had grown out of so quickly.  Where was my little girl?  I was sure the nurse had made a mistake.  Shortly after that, and after some drug induced conversation I had with the nurse regarding how it was a good thing I bought a one piece bathing suit last summer, Dean came into the room.  He was beaming from ear to ear.  I asked him several times what our baby was, and he assured me that he was a boy.... Dean had seen his "boy parts".  I was still not sure what to make of the situation but the sheer and utter joy on Dean's face gave me some reassurance.  Then, they brought me that baby.  They brought me a baby that I did not remember delivering.  A baby that I thought was a girl, but was indeed a boy.  A baby that had been in the world for almost two hours but had never met his mother.  I held him with shaky arms knowing that I loved him, but not sure how I was feeling.  I only held him for another few minutes before my shaky arms could no longer hold him steady.  Shortly after they brought me and my baby upstairs to a room and left us there, alone.  Dean could not stop beaming and I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was not present when my baby was born.  Beside my bed was a sweet little boy that I should have already been holding for hours but instead, I only just met him.  It was strange..... it was different.  It was so so different with L.  I heard her first cry, I held her moments after she was born, I smelled her, I felt her.

Fast forward a year.  Today there is a little boy sleeping in his bed.  Tomorrow morning he will wake up and he will be one year old.  I may not have heard his first cry, but I sure have heard many more throughout this past year.  I may not have held him right at birth, but I have rocked him to sleep, held him in the middle of the night while he was sick, cuddled his owies away, and smothered his cheeks in kisses.  I have spent days and minutes and hours holding him and smelling his freshly washed little head of hair.  I have felt him grab onto my legs signalling to me that he wanted to be in my arms.  I may have missed those few first hours, and yes I would like to have them back, but this past year I have been his mother.  HIS mother.  I love having a little boy.

Photo by Tammy Engel

Photo by Tammy Engel

"Look what I found my the recyling bin!!"

These Are the Days :)

It feels like life has been a whirlwind since about a month before Christmas...... actually, make that since September....... ok, make that since T was born.  Life seems to be racing by at incredible speed.  One year ago today I was a week overdue with T and praying that he would come on a day when Dean was not out of town.  Dean was still long hauling until a few days before T was born and I had a backup person for my delivery, and then I had a backup for my backup.  It was probably around this day last year when I was pretty sure I was going into labour.  I was having mild contractions at regular intervals all evening long.  I was just about ready to call my sister (backup #1) and give her the heads up and then it suddenly stopped.  It was that evening when I realized that I would not be ok with a backup person.... I wanted Dean there.  I guess, if I am going to be honest, I didn't need Dean there.  For centuries, delivering babies was women only work but I sure do love having Dean in the delivery room.  He is calm, supportive, and he doesn't say stupid things like, "I know how you feel".  Plus, the look on his face the first time he met L was something that I am SO glad I was able to witness.  I missed out on that with T, but I'll save that crazy story for another day.

Anyway, talking about delivery rooms and labour was not supposed to be the point of today's blog.  Today I wanted to share a moment of my day.  Dean has been out of town since Monday morning so it's been just the kids and I.  They have been really well behaved but it is still exhausting and lonely doing life without Dean for a few days.  This afternoon I had to do some baking for T's upcoming birthday and I felt bad making L play by herself since life has been so busy lately and she's had to do a lot of that.  So I decided to set up our "kitchen beach" again so she could play in the same room with me while I got the baking done.  But, as soon as it was set up, T woke up early from his nap.  So, I decided that since it was "only water" I would seize the day and let him play too.  It turned out to be a lot of fun for all of us.  L got a kick out of T playing with her and T could not believe that there was a "bathtub" in the middle of the kitchen.  So, the wonderful moment of my day was sitting next to the warm oven with the smell of white chocolate birthday cake pouring out, while sunbeams sprayed through the windows chasing out the feeling of a cold winter day and replacing it with warm beams that shone on my two little blessings splashing and giggling in the middle of the kitchen with wet toys scattered all around and smiles a mile long.  That was my moment :)

The Most Frustrated Chef on the Block

Over the last few months we have been fighting some food battles with L.  My little girl who used to eat everything, without complaining, has now become a picky eater.  If it is not peanut butter and jelly or Kraft dinner (heaven forbid I try to make a homemade mac and cheese) L will have nothing to do with it.  Oh wait, she will also eat fruit until her stomach explodes..... literally..... I have to cut her off of fruit otherwise she would have chronic diarrhea.  But, I digress.  So, as a result of this fussy eating dinner time has become the most frustrating part of my day.  No matter what I make, even if it is something that she usually loves, she will look at her plate and announce that she is finished and would like to be excused.  At first, we would sit at the table forever trying to get her to eat but that always turned out bad.  After many frustrating dinners I started reading articles and books trying to get some ideas to solve this sudden problem.  Most things I read agreed that it is not worth fighting your kid.  Simply let them leave the table but they do not get anything to eat until breakfast the next day.  So, we have been doing that for the past week...... L has not had dinner in a week.  We have discovered that she will happily go to bed without eating a thing, even if she has not had a single snack since lunch.  Ahhhhhhhh!  All the experts say that once the child goes to bed a few times hungry they will start eating their supper.  Wrong!  Might I add that L has also been waking up at 5:00am every morning starving.  She will not go back to sleep even though she is clearly still tired.  That little girl is so exhausted!  L can be stubborn but I have never considered her to be a "strong willed" child, she just will not eat dinner.  Today, after drinking her water and declaring that she was finished dinner, she told me that she only likes breakfast and lunch.  Then, in my extreme frustration, I muttered, "Well, until you start eating your dinner I'm not feeding you any breakfast".  Seriously, Nancy??  You're going to starve your kid until she starts eating dinner?  I am getting very tired of making supper every night, placing it on the table and hearing, "I don't want to eat this".  I am also very tired of waking up at 5:00am.  The experts seem to be all out of advice.  I guess I am just going to have to start serving dinner for breakfast since L "only likes breakfast and lunch".  Sigh.

Glad That Week is Over!

T was so tired that he fell
asleep sitting up in his crib.

Well, it's been a crazy few weeks in our house.  About two weeks ago T got a cold and started teething at the same time.  By last Sunday he popped four molars.  I was very happy when they were all through because he was started to be much happier.  After a week of poor sleeping both at night and during daytime naps, I was ready to get some sleep.  Then, this past Monday T got a fever.  It lasted for three days and even when he was on Tylenol his temperature was quite high.  By Wednesday the fever finally broke but then I started to notice spots behind his ears.  By Thursday afternoon his head, belly and back were covered.  I called Health Links just to make sure this was normal and after a lot of questions the nurse narrowed it down to baby measles.  There is nothing they can do for it so we just had to wait for it to get better.  Then, that night T slept awful.  He had coughing fits, he was throwing up, and he was crying in his sleep most of the night.  Sigh.  So, on Friday I took him to the doctor.  She also concluded it was just baby measles but she thought it would be best to keep the kids at home until at least Monday.  So, the kids and I stayed home from church today (the hubster had to sing so he went by himself).  L woke up looking very tired.  She sat on the couch with me and fell asleep shortly after waking up.  She woke up when hubby left and asked for a bucket.  Sigh.  So, I got her a bucket and left her on the couch while I quickly visited the washroom.  As I was in there I heard her begin to heave.  Sigh.  I quickly got downstairs to find her standing at the coffee table barfing into the pail I had given her.  Woo hoo!  Good aim!  When she was finished, she looked up at me calmly and said, "Could you get me something to wipe my mouth?" Stunned by her complete calm I studdered something and went to get a cloth.  When I came back she said, very matter of factly, "I had a little drink of water cause I thought it would make my tummy better but it made me throw up.  I think it's a little pink colored because of all the strawberries I ate yesterday." Then, she walked away and played like nothing ever happened.  She was fine for the rest of the day and even had a big appetite.  Strange.

L thought it was quite fun when we
put our old bed right in the middle
of her playroom.

 Added to this already crazy week was a new bed for my hubby and I!  We are very excited about it since our old mattress was terrible.  The first night we had it Dean was out of town for work and T was up most of the night so I didn't get to sleep in my new bed much.  Then, the next day, as I was having a shower in the morning L dozed off on the new bed and peed her pants while sleeping.  So, I found myself scrubbing pee out of my brand new mattress.  Then, for the next two nights the kids both slept terribly so I really did not get a chance to sleep in my brand new bed that looked so inviting.  Then, last night, after a week of craziness I went to bed nice and early.  By 9:00pm I was fast asleep in my new bed and by some miracle, both kids slept like a dream.  So after almost 10 hours in my new bed I can conclusively say, it is wonderful! 

Now that we have survived the past two weeks we are looking forward to some good ones.  In less than two weeks T will be turning one and then we are finally off on our family vacation.  Hopefully the kids bodies are good and immune to anything they come into contact with for the next few weeks.  Regardless of what goes on or how crazy and exhausting life gets, I am blessed.  I have a loving husband, two beautiful kids, a house, and a good doctor ;)  Even with measles and barfing, life is good.

Vacation Sewing Projects

I have been super excited the last few weeks since we booked our winter vacation.  We are so blessed to be able to get away for a while as a family.  I decided to go through the kids summer clothes to see what still fits from last summer.  Well, T is in a bit of trouble cause he does not have much that fits.  He is going to need stuff for the coming summer as well so I guess I will just have to do a bit of shopping on our vacation.  Woe is me ;)  L, on the other hand, has two pairs of shorts that we can make work and several t-shirts.  However, I am not going to fool myself into thinking that she is going to wear shorts and a shirt.  No way.  I am sure that the second we arrive in the warm weather she will be whining for a sundress.  I lucked out the other day at the new Carters/Oshkosh store and found cute sundresses for $7 so I picked two up.  Then I began thinking about the pile of material scraps I have in my laundry room and wondered if I could make anything for L out of them.  So I started looking online and came across the cutest wrap dress here and an adorable skirt here.  So, I pulled out the old sewing machine and spent a few afternoons making L two dresses and a skirt.  I taught myself to sew about two years ago so my knowledge is pretty limited. I have never sewn with a pattern nor have I ever sewn anything gathered so it was a learning experience.   Now L has a few new things to wear on our trip and I learnt some new things.  All in all, I am very happy with the outcome.

All the projects look pretty similar since I used the same fabric in all of them but since it was all left over from other projects it didn't cost me anything :)

This was my first attempt at the wrap dress.  I bought these fabrics almost two years ago to make a quilt for L's big girl bed.  The quilt never got made but I put the fabric to good use in several different projects.

This is my second attempt at the wrap dress.  The bottom material is from a Christmas dress I made L two years ago (my first sewing project) so it's a bit Christmasy but it's still cute :)

The thing I love about this skirt is that the top fabric is actually from some old pillowcases my parents had in the 70's :)

My crazy-haired model!

Shaking the Cabin Fever

Well, winter has finally arrived.  I was really hoping that we would keep our lovely mild winter but alas, this is Manitoba and it is January.  The hubster has been out of town most of this week for work so I've been alone with the kids and since it has been so cold, we have stayed indoors.  I have noticed over the last few weeks that the lack of fresh air and running may be having an effect on the kid's sleeping.  At the beginning of every summer I am always amazed at how well they sleep.  Between the fresh air, walks to the park, and playing in the backyard kiddie pool, by bedtime they are so exhausted that they sleep deeply until the next morning.  Then winter comes.  Last year at this exact time we started encountering sleeping problems with L.  Being cooped up indoors just doesn't exhaust her enough and she starts waking up during the night and early morning.  So today I decided to get a bit creative. 

My monthly addition of Thriving Family came in the mail today.  Inside they had an article called, "7 Cabin Fever Rescues".  I immediately opened it up and started to read.  Although most of the activities were for school aged kids (which was a little disappointing since it's those of us with kids under five that are stuck at home all day during winter) there were a few good ideas that I could use.  One of the ideas was to have a pool party.  The idea is to set up a kiddie pool in the middle of your kitchen and let the kids play.  My neat-freak side immediately perked up and said "no way" but then my practical side said "it's just water".  I am proud to say that my practical side won.  We don't have an inflatable pool so I just got a big bucket, some bubble bath, kitchen utensils, a few toys, and lots of towels.  I sent L to her room to change into her bathing suit while I set it up.  She did not know what was going on but she was ecstatic when she arrived in the kitchen to find that I was letting her play with water.  I should note that my kid LOVES water.  Whether it is in a cup, a sink, a bathtub, pool, or garden hose, if there is water, she will be entertained for hours.  This activity did end with water all over my kitchen floor, but it was worth it to see her have so much fun.  The best part was, when T woke up from his nap he was content to sit in his highchair and watch her. 

All in all, it was a fun afternoon trying something new.  I'm sure she will be asking for more tomorrow :)

What Would I Tell My Pre-Baby Self?

I just watched a video that a friend of mine posted on Facebook.  It's on my page now, in case you are interested in watching it.  It's a youtube video called "Reflections on Motherhood".  Mom's were asked what they would tell themselves if they could go back to a few days before their first baby was born.  Pretty much every single thing written, I agreed with.  It got me to thinking, what would I tell myself? 

- Life as you know it will never be the same.

- Nothing will prepare you for this.  No book, no classes, not even your mommy friends.

- You have never really known what "love at first sight" is, but you are about to.

- You will cry.  Sometimes it will be for sleep, sometimes it will be for frustration, sometimes it will be for fear, sometimes it will be because you have no idea what to do.  Other times it will be out of joy, amazement, and blessing.  And other times it will be because you cannot find words to express how much you love that child.

- You will make mistakes.  Your child will be gracious.  Your spouse will be gracious.  God will be gracious.

- Your child will always be on your mind, no matter where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with.

- There are no words to express what it is like to look at a child who looks like you AND like your spouse.  Your child is the perfect combination of two people.

- From time to time you will feel like life is running in chaos and out of your control.  It is.  Just go with it.

- Time will go fast.  Much faster than you will want it to.  Cherish every middle of the night snuggle, because, as hard as it is to believe as you are sleep deprived, you will miss those.

- When you are up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby remember, there are other moms up with screaming babies too.  You are not alone, no matter how much you may feel like you are.  Pray for those other moms as you attempt to comfort your own baby.

- You and your spouse are allies not enemies.

- All fear, anxiety, frustration, fatigue, and failure will dissipate the minute you walk into that room and your baby looks straight into your eyes, smiles, and says "ma ma".

- Every expert has a different opinion.  Go with your gut.

- Once you get through a difficult phase, encourage other moms who are going through it right now.

- Relax.

- Enjoy.

- Smile.

When Bad Things Happen to Perfectly Good Sleepers

When L was first born she was very colicky.  And I mean when she was first born.   Our first night in the hospital she started to scream and it continued for about three and a half months.  The first week we were home from the hospital I got a total of five hours of sleep.  I won't get into details but it was pretty awful and involved a lot of anxiety and crying for all three of us.  Then, when she was around four months I put her in her crib after changing her diaper.  By the time I got back from washing my hands she was asleep, for the first time ever, by herself in her crib.  Hallelujah!  Ever since then, she has been a dream sleeper.  I would put her down for naps or bedtime, no matter where we were, and she would peacefully drift off to sleep.  Then she turned three.  Since then we have had some sleep issues on and off but they usually clear up within a week or two.  Well, it's been well over three weeks now of screaming at bedtime and hours of waking up in the middle of the night.  At first, she was telling us that she was afraid.  Swiper the Fox was to blame for that one.  Once we cleared it up that Swiper was imaginary, monsters were the new thing to be afraid of.  We have now overcome those monsters and it is simply, "I don't want to go to bed!"  She fights and she fights but once she gives in she is asleep in less than five minutes.  But, our girl, who for most of her life has slept 13-14 straight hours a night, now wakes up for up to three hours in the middle of the night.  It's really thoughtful of her to stagger her wake up time with her little brother, that way mommy can be up all night but only have one kid awake at a time.  Yes, that was very sarcastic.  I really do try to be loving and understanding but she is very stubborn and insists that she cannot sleep without ever trying to.  I am at a bit of a loss and just keep telling myself (like I've told so many other moms) that it is just a phase.  Well, phase or not, we all need some sleep around here.

Cute but Rough

I love having a little boy.  At first I was not so sure, but now I would not trade him for the world.  He is so much fun and OH BOY is he cute!  I just love those big puffy cheeks.  I have noticed over the last few months the remarkable difference between my two children.  Both of them were very active and pretty easy going for the most part as infants but I am noticing that T seems to be more adventurous.  L was an early walker and pretty fearless while T is more cautious but willing to take biggest risks after he has calculated them.  For example, L never ever tried to climb anything.  I was never concerned about finding her on top of things.  T is the opposite.  I find him on top of things that I dídn't even think he could climb.  He is also crazy strong.  I cannot believe how much force he has.  This brings me to the point of today's post.  T is a bit of a Mommy's boy (which I actually really love) so I find that he often crawls to me and wants to be picked up, just for a few seconds, and then he is good to go and play again.  It's really very sweet, except that I keep coming away from our little cuddles sessions with war wounds.  It's not that he means to be rough, but he sure is.  Either I'm getting headbutted, pinched, hit, or my hair pulled.  He does it all in the effort to cuddle in as close as possible but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  It's kind of like cuddling a porcupine.  He may want to be held and loved but no matter how you do it, you end up getting hurt. By the time T is a big boy and doesn't want mommy's cuddles anymore it probably won't matter since I will have been injured so many times I won't have any feeling in my upper body.  Just kidding ;)  Until then, I will keep giving him all the cuddles he wants and hope that eventually, with so much practice, he may get pretty good at it.

Seriously, isn't he cute!

Eyes in the Rearview Mirror

Over the last couple of years I have been lamenting my new wrinkles.  It feels like ever since I had kids I seem to be ageing at a much more rapid pace.  Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, poor diet consisting of coffee and half eaten grilled cheese, or the constant worry over how to get both kids to the grocery store, do my shopping and still get home for nap time.  Anyway you look at it, the wrinkles are adding up.  Yes, I know it's vain, but it still bothers me.

Then, last week, the strangest thing happened to me.  I was driving with my kids (on the way home from the grocery store) and I was looking in the rear view mirror at Lillian.  After seeing the silly face she wanted to show me, I caught a glimpse of my eyes in the mirror.  For a split second, I didn't think they were mine.  It's not that they were unrecognisable.  In fact, they were eyes I knew well.  They were my mom's.  Staring back at me in my rear view mirror were the eyes that I saw countless times as we drove in our family vehicle to church, sports practises, piano lessons, to school, home from school, long road trips, the grocery store, etc...  My mom spent hundreds of hours driving me all over the countryside allowing me to pursue my current interests, get me to school or church, or just to connect with my friends.  She gave up so much of her time just taking care of me.  Those eyes staring at me reminded me of the concern, sacrifice, encouragement, patience, and love that only a mother can provide.  Those eyes were staring at me in my rear view mirror and I realised that they were not my mom's eyes, they were mine and they were staring at my kids in the back seat.  My kids get to see in my eyes what I always saw in my mom's eyes.  Love, care, adoration, and pride.  And they get to see it because their mom had such a good mom.

Goodbye wrinkle cream.